More No Blame

NO BLAME is one of the axioms on which my work in Teaching through Emotions rests.


Because there is always a good reason for every “bad” behavior.

And if you’re intent on blaming people for their “bad” behavior, then you’ll miss the good reason(s) they have for behaving that way.

And if you miss the good reason(s) they have for behaving that way, you’ll shut down the possibility for connection, mutual understanding, and growth.

Those things — connection, mutual understanding, and growth — as well as emotional relief , empathy, and compassion — are what make relationships work well. And teaching and learning depend on relationships that work well.

A word about the word “frame”: Even if you cannot stop yourself from blaming someone for what you deem “bad” behavior, re-framing that behavior is still possible (and fruitful). Re-framing means suspending your explanation, your perspective, and looking at the situation from the perspective of the other.

Re-framing: looking at the world through their eyes.

The No Blame Frame: looking at behavior you find offensive as the only way a person knows to express their reality at this moment.

Looking for the good reason(s) for that behavior. Being curious about what it’s like to be them. Holding yourself caringly while making guesses about someone else’s experience. Wondering how the two of you fit together. Contemplating why they might be blaming you.

Betsy BurrisComment