My favorite psycho guy, D.W. Winnicott, thought about families as holding environments. As spaces populated by people who facilitate (or not) development. That’s what families are, right? Groups that occupy space that is supposed to make it safe to grow and develop.

I think of classrooms as holding environments. I think of schools as holding environments. And I think of our country as a holding environment.

Right now, it’s a failed holding environment. An extremely frickin’ unbelievably unhealthy holding environment.

What makes for a healthy holding environment? Here are a few crucial elements:

• limits

• boundaries

• good-enough parenting

• attachment

Limits

These are the things that contain people’s actions. Often they begin with “No.”

“No, you can’t speed in a construction zone.”

“No, you can’t eat an entire blueberry pie every day and not gain weight.”

“No, you can’t cheat or steal.”

You get it. These are a pain in the ass for people who want to get their way all the time, but people who get their way all the time tend to lose touch with reality. (Or die.) So limits help us develop a strong and survivable relationship with reality. They also, weirdly, can unleash creativity. Like “No, you can’t use oil forever to run your cars.” But the limits have to liberate desirable activity, like healthy development or inventiveness or physical and psychic safety, not control people by abolishing their human rights.

Boundaries

These are the things that keep individuals psychically safe. They differ by person and even by circumstance. I might be perfectly happy exchanging intimate details about my life with my partner or close friend but NOT with a co-worker, a mere acquaintance, or the guy who’s changing the oil in my car. Permeable boundaries with my partner or a close friend. More solid boundaries with people I don’t know well.

Boundaries are like our psychic skin. Anger can (and should) occur when our boundaries are violated. Trauma is the worst-case scenario, and I don’t think many of us have escaped some sort of trauma. Our boundaries are supposed to be inviolate. They’re supposed to be respected and honored, and we’re supposed to have the last say on where they are at any given moment. Boundaries are the membranes that separate and connect us at the same time because, if we’re safe within our Gardens (which are defined by our boundaries), then we can relate safely and effectively with others.

Good-Enough Parenting

This is what it takes to be an effective developmental partner to your child, student, and anyone else you’re in relationship with, actually. Good-enough is not perfect. You don’t have to do everything right. In fact, making mistakes is welcome in the good-enough world. And repair is powerful. Circling back after a transgression or hurt and revisiting with genuine interest and desire to connect can be more important sometimes than the original harm.

Good-enough is not fused. That is, you don’t have to act with everyone else’s needs always in mind. Rather, you can act with your needs in mind. And model what it takes to negotiate multiple legitimate and precious existences in respectful, well-bounded ways that might not prevent disappointment but involve mutual understanding and care.

Good-enough is a relief. Which allows us to relax and relate to each other without fear of error or reprisal or self-recrimination.

Attachment

The ideal type of attachment is (duh) secure attachment. When you trust your parent enough to be able to totter off and do your own thing but race back when you need comfort, reassurance, or a Band-Aid. Consistent, reliable, attuned (but not perfect) response coupled with a willingness and ability to repair makes for a healthy attachment figure. And we all need these! Perhaps that’s why psychotherapy is so popular these days. (It’s apparently reached an all-time high.) Most therapists recognize this is the type of person they’re supposed to be for their clients.

Perhaps the worst type of attachment is disorganized attachment. Where your parent confuses the hell out of you all the time, making it impossible to know when you’re safe and loved and when the world is real and reliable. They’re fun and accessible one minute, intrusive and demanding another, then distant, withdrawn, and punishing the next. Holy shit. What a nightmare to have a parent like this.

Our country is not a healthy holding environment

Let me count the fucking ways:

• Limits: There are plenty of new limits that have been placed on US citizens. Abortion is illegal; immigration is, basically, illegal; voting rights are being severely curtailed; books are being banned; free speech of citizens and the press is being attacked; the freedom to be oneself in all one’s glory is being rescinded; religious plurality is being reduced to a single white Christian male point. These limits do not liberate creativity or growth. They crush. While the people imposing the limits lift limits from themselves. Emoluments and self-enrichment? Bah! Corruption and self-dealing? Hah! Unrestricted sexual exploitation and abuse, especially of young women? Of course! We may sometimes wish there were no limits on us, but check it out: This is what that’s like.

• Boundaries: If you’re not white, you’re not safe in your home (doors and walls used to be effective boundaries) or anywhere else. (The same is becoming true if you’re a protester exercising your First Amendment rights.) If you’re a woman, you don’t have autonomy over your body. If you’re a political enemy, you’re not protected from illegal harassment. Our administration flows like algae-infested waters into every aspect of our lives they want to. No boundaries means no safety. Living in a permanently unsafe environment is terrible for the human body and soul.

• Good-Enough Parenting: It might seem odd to think about our nation’s leaders as parents, but that is precisely how I see them. They are the holders of our country; they are the setters of the limits and respecters of our boundaries by making and enforcing laws that are good for us. They are supposed to care about our well-being and safety. They are supposed to model maturity, decency, self-restraint, and high moral virtue. Is that happening right now? Oh fuck no.

• Attachment: Our main attachment figure right now is a malignant narcissistic psychopath. Not your ideal attachment figure. Trying to make healthy use of such a man (and all his minions — isn’t it amazing how many of them there are? And how they flock to each other like fuckin’ flies to shit?) is impossible. (And it makes you wonder what sorts of parents the people who voted for this man have.) So we’re floating in a world where our parents are self-obsessed, have no perspective (or limits) on themselves, have no interest in helping or taking care of us, and are actually sadists who prefer, apparently gleefully, to inflict harm on as many people as they can. Oh and — they’re bald-faced liars. Gaslighters. If the definition of insanity is having an inaccurate relationship with reality, and it is, then they want us to be insane. They are driving us insane.

  You simply cannot fabricate more despicable attachment figures.

And so here we are. Living in the most dysfunctional family I, personally, can conceive of. With bottomless coffers that our holder-in-chief is spending by the billions at his malevolent whim. There is so much about this that is crazy-making it is amazing that any one of us has held on to our sanity. Let alone our civility. (The current situation might help explain the current epidemic of assholism. Just sayin’.)

The good news? We might be ready to change things up in this nation in ways that are way past due: universal health care and childcare, revocation of Citizens United, enshrined voting laws that cannot be revised, solid rights for women to control their own bodies, maybe the ERA? Let’s look ahead to the kind of holding environment we want and need and begin working towards it now.

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For those of you who remain, and even for those who are leaving, this rant is for you. If you’re staying in a system that makes burnout all too …

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In this rant, I lay out some symptoms of our world’s insanity and share ways to survive them. It can feel hopeless, but here’s what I believe: We can still cultivate wellness and goodness in our own relationships. In fact, we have …

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I hate hate.

Just kidding! I love hate. Just like I love all emotions. Hatred is like love or excitement or joy or anger. It arises naturally for good reasons. And it means something. The question is what. I make some guesses in this rant.

Check it out.

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What do you hate? What might your hate mean? Do tell!

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When I feel used, I tend to get angry.

Which is a good thing. Because anger is a super-effective alarm. It is such a strong emotion that I can’t ignore it.

And so I wonder about it.

Usually anger alerts me to a boundary violation. An attempt by another person to take from me what I may not be willing to give. To use me.

Which means I need to consider whether and how.

Which first means I’d best retreat into my Garden and look around. From there I can consider whether I want to be used at all. Do I want to listen to this person talk endlessly about themselves right now? Yeah, OK. Do I want to be blamed for this person’s mistake? No. Do I want to accept this student’s late work? Yes. Do I want to stay in relationship with a narcissist? Well, since this one is my dad, yes.

Once I have decided whether to be used, I decide how I’m willing to proceed. Emphasis on willing.

• I’ll find interest in this needy, talkative person but give myself silent permission to bring the conversation to a close when I can no longer maintain a caring or curious stance.

• I’ll calmly and gracefully reject the blame. “I can tell you’re upset about this. I totally get it; it sucks to discover you’ve made a mistake. What are you going to do now?”

• I’ll accept the late work and impose agreed-upon consequences. If there are no agreed-upon consequences, I’ll discuss with my class what we’ll do about late work from now on.

• I’ll activate my compassion for my narcissistic dad and know my limits: that I will not be abused by narcissistic rage. That I will honor my own boundaries and speak my truth despite the inevitability of vicious retaliation, knowing the punishment has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the narcissist’s unbearable pain. That I will reserve the right to walk away for now or end the relationship for good. That I will not try to change the narcissist but rather will attempt to love and respect them by acknowledging how hard it is sometimes to be them. That I will refuse to conform to their reality, which ultimately isolates them, but instead will try to co-create a shared reality that is safe for both of us. Until all this is no longer possible.

The how is not pre-programmable. What matters, I believe, is making the decisions in your particular circumstances. Re-asserting your agency in your own life in the face of someone who would rather turn you into an object for their use. I call this Re-Subjectifying.

As humans, we get to do this over and over again: We get to decide whether we consent to be used and, if yes, to design the how to fit the circumstances. We are in charge of our contributions to our shared experiences.

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I want to thank the Boy from Savoy for his thoughtful questions after last week’s post. Without further ado, here are my answers:

For garden-variety assholes, is it a choice or a habit?

First of all, thank you for using the word “garden,” Boy from Savoy! As you may know, it is a crucial concept in the battle against assholism. If all assholes would just Get in Their Effin’ Gardens from the get-go, we wouldn’t be having this problem (or conversation).

Back to the question: Neither. Being an asshole, in my view, is neither a choice nor a habit. It is a necessity, an automatic psychic reflex to a particular unexpected moment, a protective behavior learned long ago when actual survival was at stake. I see assholic behavior as being regressive, a return to a Younger Me when tantrums, for example, worked.

But here’s the kicker: Becoming an asshole in the moment is not a choice or a habit, but not becoming an asshole in the moment is. I hope that makes sense!

Is the concept of “asshole” subjective? Culturally based? Are there objective criteria to define the state of being an asshole?

My answer is “yes” to the first question and no to the last two. In my view, the concept or experience of assholism is subjective. Someone who puffs up as a know-it-all might really get your goat, while the same person, same behavior, might barely register on me. And there might be particular times when that puffed-up person especially gets your goat and others when you can shrug that person off with a mere twinge of irritation. I think assholism is situation-dependent.

Are assholes a necessary consequence of an organized society? If so, should it be looked at as a health condition and be medicalized? How do you treat the condition of “being an asshole”?

Oh my god these are excellent questions! And all totally different! But, as you might imagine, I have strong feelings about each. Which I will not bore you with here. Instead, quick answers:

Yes, I would say assholes are a necessary consequence of society. I don’t think it needs to be organized. All it needs is two or more people interacting with, impinging on, and occasionally thwarting each other. (See The Last Man on Earth.)

I would never ever encourage a mental health condition to be medicalized. I’m not a medical doctor, of course, but I am a doctor of education (which is utterly irrelevant here) and believe that afflictions that arise from human relationships should first be addressed through human relationships.

How to treat the condition of “being an asshole” is the topic of my book. If you want to get the answer to that question, first hope and pray that I get it published. Then, if I do get it published, read it.

Are there incurables?

Yes. People who don’t want to change.

What are the benefits/consequences of being an asshole? Are these culturally determined?

The benefits are psychic relief. If assholism erupts out of overwhelming internal pressure (and I believe it does), then being an asshole distracts everyone, including the asshole, from that pressure. And, in some cases, makes them feel powerful, indomitable, invulnerable, etc. All good feelings for someone whose behavior hides the exact opposite feelings.

The consequences are alienation from other people. Ideally.

I would say that one cultural element that is facilitating our Era of Assholes is conflict-avoidance. To the extent that conflict-avoidance is a vast cultural epidemic — and it is — then the benefits and consequences of being an asshole are culturally determined. That is, our culture is letting assholes get away with literally murder.

What’s the least asshole-ish society?

Umm. Finland?

Thank you again, The Boy from Savoy! Other readers: Keep those questions coming! And please weigh in on my answers to these juicy questions!

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And now for my request:

I’m working on a new chapter of my book. Controlling Assholes. People who don’t want you to do anything other than what they want you to do. Think of them as Control Freaks? But not Freaks who exert control over themselves. They’re not necessarily assholes. I’m looking for stories of people who diabolically insist on controlling others.

Got any stories? Send ‘em in!

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Why, you might ask, do I care? Very good question! But listen to my “PSA” to get my psychodynamic take on it. You might want to rant back at me in the comments!

Ranting is a privilege, I know. I wholly appreciate the o…

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We have entered (or re-entered, as this is not the first time in history) the Era of the Asshole. Thanks to the models provided by prominent leaders, people seem to have given themselves permission to go uncontained: to just spew their shit all over everyone.

It’s time to reclaim decency.

So I am researching assholes. Well, not really: I have spent the past two decades helping people deal with the assholes in their lives, and I have dealt with my own assholism (as we’re all potentially assholes, even me!), so I feel like I’m already an expert. And, because I believe our rampant assholism is putting evolution into regression, I’m currently writing a book about them.

But I need examples.

From you, dear readers!

Here’s the asshole type I’m working on right now:

Entitled Assholes

These are the ones who expect you to give them whatever they want whenever they want it and fuck you – seriously: watch your back – if you don’t.

Know anyone like this?

I know you do.

College professors? You know students who behave as though their every wish is your command — and flame you in their end-of-semester evaluations if you hold them accountable.

Teachers? You know parents who blame you for their child’s infractions, insisting that their child shits pure gold. And you know students who resist and oppose you with absolute disrespect for the rules governing the world of school — because the students are supposed to run the show.

Anyone working in an office? You have colleagues who slack off then kiss ass or use your ideas or throw you under the bus, all to curry favor where the power is. Or you have a boss who plays favorites or runs away from conflict (thus allowing bad behavior to escalate) or withholds information or retaliates without warning or explanation.

Assholes abound wherever one or more humans congregate.

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If you’re balking at categorizing a student or a parent or a co-worker or a boss as an asshole, I feel you. You are a kind and good person. But you might be burying your head in the sand. People everywhere these days are behaving badly, and other people are letting them get away with that bad behavior (hunh — who’s the asshole?).

Call them what you will. Narcissist? Baby? Untrustworthy nut job? Pathetic soul who knows not what he does? Whatever. Tell me about them, give me the details, so we can all learn not just how to neutralize them but also how to strengthen our relationships with them and render their need for assholism moot.

Because that is the whole point of Teaching through Emotions!

I would love it if you shared a story about an Entitled Asshole you know. If you don’t want to leave a comment for all to read — understandable — use the TTE hotline:

413.239.4158.

Or email me directly at betsy@teachingthroughemotions.com.

I will not share these stories with anyone (other than my eventual book readers — if I’m lucky), so there is no danger of your being exposed. And I encourage you to camouflage the characters in your story. I’ll further camouflage your story if I use it, so identities will never be known.

This would be so very helpful. Not just to me but to the people in the world who would like to learn how to deal with the Entitled Assholes in their lives in ways that help rebalance the world. Cuz that is up to us, each individual. Knowing the psychology of assholes, in this case Entitled Assholes, is a big step in this direction.

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And, if you know someone who knows an asshole, please share this post with them.

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What even are your psychological systems?

Have a listen and find out.

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really helpful.

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Thanks, as always, for reading and listening.