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I want to thank the Boy from Savoy for his thoughtful questions after last week’s post. Without further ado, here are my answers:

For garden-variety assholes, is it a choice or a habit?

First of all, thank you for using the word “garden,” Boy from Savoy! As you may know, it is a crucial concept in the battle against assholism. If all assholes would just Get in Their Effin’ Gardens from the get-go, we wouldn’t be having this problem (or conversation).

Back to the question: Neither. Being an asshole, in my view, is neither a choice nor a habit. It is a necessity, an automatic psychic reflex to a particular unexpected moment, a protective behavior learned long ago when actual survival was at stake. I see assholic behavior as being regressive, a return to a Younger Me when tantrums, for example, worked.

But here’s the kicker: Becoming an asshole in the moment is not a choice or a habit, but not becoming an asshole in the moment is. I hope that makes sense!

Is the concept of “asshole” subjective? Culturally based? Are there objective criteria to define the state of being an asshole?

My answer is “yes” to the first question and no to the last two. In my view, the concept or experience of assholism is subjective. Someone who puffs up as a know-it-all might really get your goat, while the same person, same behavior, might barely register on me. And there might be particular times when that puffed-up person especially gets your goat and others when you can shrug that person off with a mere twinge of irritation. I think assholism is situation-dependent.

Are assholes a necessary consequence of an organized society? If so, should it be looked at as a health condition and be medicalized? How do you treat the condition of “being an asshole”?

Oh my god these are excellent questions! And all totally different! But, as you might imagine, I have strong feelings about each. Which I will not bore you with here. Instead, quick answers:

Yes, I would say assholes are a necessary consequence of society. I don’t think it needs to be organized. All it needs is two or more people interacting with, impinging on, and occasionally thwarting each other. (See The Last Man on Earth.)

I would never ever encourage a mental health condition to be medicalized. I’m not a medical doctor, of course, but I am a doctor of education (which is utterly irrelevant here) and believe that afflictions that arise from human relationships should first be addressed through human relationships.

How to treat the condition of “being an asshole” is the topic of my book. If you want to get the answer to that question, first hope and pray that I get it published. Then, if I do get it published, read it.

Are there incurables?

Yes. People who don’t want to change.

What are the benefits/consequences of being an asshole? Are these culturally determined?

The benefits are psychic relief. If assholism erupts out of overwhelming internal pressure (and I believe it does), then being an asshole distracts everyone, including the asshole, from that pressure. And, in some cases, makes them feel powerful, indomitable, invulnerable, etc. All good feelings for someone whose behavior hides the exact opposite feelings.

The consequences are alienation from other people. Ideally.

I would say that one cultural element that is facilitating our Era of Assholes is conflict-avoidance. To the extent that conflict-avoidance is a vast cultural epidemic — and it is — then the benefits and consequences of being an asshole are culturally determined. That is, our culture is letting assholes get away with literally murder.

What’s the least asshole-ish society?

Umm. Finland?

Thank you again, The Boy from Savoy! Other readers: Keep those questions coming! And please weigh in on my answers to these juicy questions!

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And now for my request:

I’m working on a new chapter of my book. Controlling Assholes. People who don’t want you to do anything other than what they want you to do. Think of them as Control Freaks? But not Freaks who exert control over themselves. They’re not necessarily assholes. I’m looking for stories of people who diabolically insist on controlling others.

Got any stories? Send ‘em in!

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Why, you might ask, do I care? Very good question! But listen to my “PSA” to get my psychodynamic take on it. You might want to rant back at me in the comments!

Ranting is a privilege, I know. I wholly appreciate the o…

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We have entered (or re-entered, as this is not the first time in history) the Era of the Asshole. Thanks to the models provided by prominent leaders, people seem to have given themselves permission to go uncontained: to just spew their shit all over everyone.

It’s time to reclaim decency.

So I am researching assholes. Well, not really: I have spent the past two decades helping people deal with the assholes in their lives, and I have dealt with my own assholism (as we’re all potentially assholes, even me!), so I feel like I’m already an expert. And, because I believe our rampant assholism is putting evolution into regression, I’m currently writing a book about them.

But I need examples.

From you, dear readers!

Here’s the asshole type I’m working on right now:

Entitled Assholes

These are the ones who expect you to give them whatever they want whenever they want it and fuck you – seriously: watch your back – if you don’t.

Know anyone like this?

I know you do.

College professors? You know students who behave as though their every wish is your command — and flame you in their end-of-semester evaluations if you hold them accountable.

Teachers? You know parents who blame you for their child’s infractions, insisting that their child shits pure gold. And you know students who resist and oppose you with absolute disrespect for the rules governing the world of school — because the students are supposed to run the show.

Anyone working in an office? You have colleagues who slack off then kiss ass or use your ideas or throw you under the bus, all to curry favor where the power is. Or you have a boss who plays favorites or runs away from conflict (thus allowing bad behavior to escalate) or withholds information or retaliates without warning or explanation.

Assholes abound wherever one or more humans congregate.

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If you’re balking at categorizing a student or a parent or a co-worker or a boss as an asshole, I feel you. You are a kind and good person. But you might be burying your head in the sand. People everywhere these days are behaving badly, and other people are letting them get away with that bad behavior (hunh — who’s the asshole?).

Call them what you will. Narcissist? Baby? Untrustworthy nut job? Pathetic soul who knows not what he does? Whatever. Tell me about them, give me the details, so we can all learn not just how to neutralize them but also how to strengthen our relationships with them and render their need for assholism moot.

Because that is the whole point of Teaching through Emotions!

I would love it if you shared a story about an Entitled Asshole you know. If you don’t want to leave a comment for all to read — understandable — use the TTE hotline:

413.239.4158.

Or email me directly at betsy@teachingthroughemotions.com.

I will not share these stories with anyone (other than my eventual book readers — if I’m lucky), so there is no danger of your being exposed. And I encourage you to camouflage the characters in your story. I’ll further camouflage your story if I use it, so identities will never be known.

This would be so very helpful. Not just to me but to the people in the world who would like to learn how to deal with the Entitled Assholes in their lives in ways that help rebalance the world. Cuz that is up to us, each individual. Knowing the psychology of assholes, in this case Entitled Assholes, is a big step in this direction.

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And, if you know someone who knows an asshole, please share this post with them.

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What even are your psychological systems?

Have a listen and find out.

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really helpful.

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Thanks, as always, for reading and listening.

The assaults on our psyches just keep comin’. Every single day there are too many news stories that send jolts of anxiety and outrage (and cortisol) through our bodies. It’s virtually impossible to feel any agency in the face of dangerous, damaging acts by people we have no actual relationship with.

So what to do?

Here’s what I do: I try to make psychodyn…

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Occasionally we ran into each other, though. The first time, I found her cranking open all the windows in a couple rooms. “It’s really hot in here! I’m burning up!” she said. OK.

The next time, as she waited for me to get her a glass of water, she apparently noticed a vase of sorry-looking flowers in the corner of the kitchen. “Looks like you’ll need to get some fresh flowers!” she told me. OK.

When she finished up her job and was putting the shoes that she had considerately taken off back on, I heard her say (not to me), “Look at the soles of my feet. They’re black! From all the dust!”

OK. From your perspective, dear reader, these comments might seem completely harmless. You might not have even noticed them if they were said in your home. But me? I noticed them. I had spent a fair amount of time with this woman making decisions about aspects of my home, and, while I had noticed her desire to be perceived as super sweet, what I felt was her resistance to my decisions and her undercover criticisms.

Her barbs.

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Then there are the passive-aggressive assholes. Passive-aggressive assholes are the ones who land a hard punch by seemingly doing nothing. They fly way under the radar. They strike then look away and whistle innocently. They’ll deny any accusations.

Many passive-aggressive assholes know what they’re doing. They seem to want to hurt you. Gaslighters. Withdrawing assholes. Withholding assholes. Sadists. There’s something undeniably despicable about these types of assholes. (And I’ll get to them.)

But other passive-aggressive assholes are desperate to be seen as nice. As super nice. Hence the perhaps surprising category of

Super Nice Asshole

As a therapist once said to me, “The nicest people are often the angriest.” Not what you’d expect, right? Aren’t nice people just – nice? Through and through?

Sometimes, yes. There are many nice people who sacrifice themselves for the good of others. Nice people make and deliver meals to shut-ins. Nice people listen patiently to a friend obsessing about her shitty job. Nice people play make-believe with a 4-year-old when they’d rather be chugging martinis with their friends.

But super nice people? People who don’t seem to have any shadow side? Beware. They might be assholes.

I call them Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing. Consider these three manifestations of Super Nice Assholes:

The Stealth Blowdarter. This is the Super Nice Asshole who sits in a meeting or at the dinner table blowing invisible poison darts at people. The darts are so subtle or masked that the victim isn’t even sure they’ve been hit. Backhanded compliments. Sarcastic comments. Veiled blame or criticism. Disingenuous cooing. Always indirect. Always delivered with a big smile, often a laugh. If anyone tries to call them out on an insult, blowdarters deny any malevolence. Cuz I was just kidding! Or don’t get so defensive! Or I didn’t mean it that way! When they sure as hell did.

The Sister Superior. This is the saintly Super Nice Asshole, the one who is holier-than-thou, untouchable. Can do no wrong. While everybody else is always doing wrong – and needs to have it pointed out. For their own good. But not directly. Only indirectly. A suggestion. A leading question. A wholly disingenuous claim of responsibility followed by a flurry of evidence that it actually wasn’t their fault. All in a soft, understanding, really caring voice. And with an empathic smile. (Always the smile!) The Sister Superior Super Nice Asshole is related to the Grandiose Asshole because these types can do everything better than everyone else and really should just fuckin’ run the world. At least, that’s what they think.

The Backbiter. This is the Super Nice Asshole who pretends to like you – never disagrees with you, never stands up to you, never objects to anything you do or say, never raises a complaint or problem to your face – but badmouths you behind your back. Sometimes viciously. This is a total two-faced hypocrite whose internal venom is so voluminous that they can’t keep it in. They’ve got to let it out in a flood – with a compatriot. Or, worse, with many compatriots. Because backbiters are contagious. They infect entire systems with dissatisfaction, misery, and, importantly, distrust. It's hard to trust anybody in a social system once you’ve figured out that, if the Backbiter is talking trash to you about that guy, they’re probably talking trash to that guy about you.

Maybe a better name for Super Nice Assholes, better than Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing, is just this: Cowards.

Once again: Some people are truly and deeply Super Nice. These people must be cherished. So how do you tell when you’re dealing with an asshole? Trust your body. That jolt of alarm. That urge to screw up your face in confusion. The question mark that arises in your consciousness, like “Wha — ?” or “Why?” That companionable laugh that leaves you thinking, “Wait — was that joke on me?”

Identifying the Super Nice Asshole is the first step. Next up: What to do with them.

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We all know them. We certainly read about them in the news. They are people who lead with sadism. Who love to hate and who smear that hate all over people they’ve decided are enemies. Who might be kind and competent in other situations but who cannot help but loose their pent-up, unprocessed, undisciplined aggression onto the objects they’ve chosen to satisfy their terrible and primitive urges.

In my friend’s case, her Provocative Asshole is a relative. One she has to deal with. And he is relentless in his use of her. In fact, I call his type of use usurious.

Use = fitting with a person to get some work done

Usurious = taking more from a person than the relationship warrants or that the person wants (or has) to give

Examples

My friend is a considerate and helpful person. At first, when she found herself in her Provocative Asshole’s home for dinner, she characteristically offered to help him. He would give her a task, which she would complete, and then he would criticize her for not doing it the way he wanted, or the way he deemed proper, or the way he would do it. My friend’s feeling was that he constantly set her up to fail so he could yell, “Gotcha!” when she did. Whenever this happened, my friend seethed.

How is this behavior usurious? The Provocative Asshole’s response is not actually about the task. Because I know how extraordinarily competent my friend is, I can guarantee every task she takes on is done well. His “Gotcha!” response is about dominating my friend. Putting out a trap for her. Luring her into it. And snapping the giant claws down on her. In his trap, he gets to evaluate her. Judge her. Define her in ways that are so inaccurate they’re head-spinning. Without any regard for his impact. In fact, with the apparent goal of making her feel like shit.

Being trapped by some asshole is more than my friend deserves and it sure as hell is more than she wants. Relational usury.

My friend has witnessed her Provocative Asshole tickle his children. Sometimes they enjoy it, but when they’ve had enough, they indicate in normal human ways that they’re done with the tickling. Provocative Asshole continues. And then he threatens. He’ll crook his finger at his child, who by now is screaming “NO!” in genuine fear, and will make feints as if he’s coming in yet again. Doesn’t matter what his kid wants. What matters is the torture.

How is this behavior usurious? Most of us have probably experienced the line between mutually enjoyable tickling and unwanted tickling. Consensual experience (in theory) is equitable. We agree to use each other in these particular ways. When our desire not to be used (tickled) anymore is overridden, when one of us has withdrawn consent and our partner completely ignores and disrespects our preference, now we’ve got a power problem. The interaction is no longer equitable; it is unequal. One person is wielding power over another. Dominating. Forcing submission. Which is more than the child who is screaming “NO!” wants or deserves. Usury.

Heinous.

What is his DEAL?

Oh my god I can only guess. But that’s all we can do, right? I don’t know what’s going on in that guy’s body or mind. But his behaviors give us ALL KINDS OF AMAZING CLUES.

Like, to name just a few

• He apparently feels no gratitude. Or empathy.

• Relationships are unequal, with one person dominating, even torturing and terrorizing.

• Boundaries either do not exist or are meant to be transgressed. At (his) will.

So let’s put these clues together into some sort of formulation. A big Guess about what my friend’s Asshole’s deal is. Again, just a Guess. Something like this?

My friend’s Provocative Asshole is teaching her about his childhood. That is, he is treating my friend (and his children) in the ways he was treated. With scorn, criticism, domination. Without appreciation or concern for his or others’ feelings or experience. Without regard for their rights and needs. With a bizarre, concerted choice not to see others accurately but to turn them into objects that can be used ruthlessly. In this formulation, my friend becomes a container for the Provocative Asshole’s unbearable internal feelings (she seethes; she hates; one can assume he does, too). His kids become terrified, agency-less objects whose helplessness makes him feel good.

My guess is our Provocative Asshole was used in just this manner by the people he loved who were supposed to love him.

Now that he’s an “adult,” he gets to do all this shit to everybody else — especially to family.

Where’s her compassion?

Nowhere. My friend, when we were talking about her Provocative Asshole, was like “NO WAY. This man SUCKS. I will NOT feel anything good for or about him.”

Gotcha. Totally get it.

But here’s a thought: These types of assholes are extremely common. And they’re having a corrosive impact on many of the individuals who have relationships with them, not to mention on our body politic. One might argue, then, that it is these very people who need concerted attention, who need correction, who need to be drawn back to a place of relational safety and, ideally, love.

I know. CRINGE.

I’m gonna stop right here to send out to my friend a big

THANK YOU

for reminding me how hard it can be to Get to Compassion. Because it is SO MUCH EASIER to hate these fuckers than to figure out how to love them, by which I mean stay connected with them through understanding, compassion, and a belief in their human ability to flourish under caretaking that satisfies deep and painful needs.

So what does my friend’s Provocative Asshole need? My guess is attention. Loving attention. Accurate, loving attention. He needs to be seen for who he is: Someone with high standards, the capacity to evaluate others’ performance, and the ability and willingness to communicate his expectations. (See how we turned his nasty micro-managing into a strength? Because, if it were coming from a lovely person rather than a Provocative Asshole, it would be!)

He needs to be seen for what he is: Competent. Skilled. Valued. Lovable. (Oooh, this last can be so hard to see!!!! But notice how so many assholes behave in ways that make them unlovable. My guess is it’s because they’re Making It So; they’re defending against disappointment by foreclosing on the hope that someone might love them by ensuring no one can.)

Personally, I cannot stand the thought that a human being was not seen accurately when they were children. To be seen as someone you are not; to be defined by someone else in terms that serve them and actually erase you; to be seen as a part of yourself (the bad part) and treated as though that were your whole; to learn to distrust love. These are psychic insults that scar. And they can affect people forever.

They evidently scarred my friend’s Provocative Asshole. In very big ways.

So now the question is what to do about someone like this.

Of course, one option, the one my friend has so far taken, is nothing. But, should she want to try something — if she weren’t so worn down by endless abhorrent experiences with this abhorrent man — she could try directly addressing our hypothesis. She could try complimenting him for his actual talents, overlooking the pathetic nastiness that wraps around them like killing vines.

For example, she could offer to help in the kitchen again. But this time, she could have a plan for when he jumped out to say “GOTCHA!” She could give him a big (genuine) smile, laugh (if possible), and say, “How did you know I’d mess this up? You clearly have very high standards.”

I don’t know. Easy for me to say. Very difficult for her to do. What do you think? Would this plan work, in your opinion? What might work better? What have you done with the Provocative Asshole(s) in your life?

And the big question: How do we offer these people corrective action so they can eventually stop being so cruel — because they’re finally getting what they need and, actually, as human beings, deserve?

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The man behind me said, “Your jacket is touching my knees.”

“Oh!” I said, smiling, thinking he was joshing with me. I pulled my jacket up so it wouldn’t touch his knees. “Is this better?”

“It’s still touching my knees!” he whined, even though it most demonstrably was not touching his knees. “Why can’t you just be considerate?”

I’m sure my smile morphed into a look of absolute bewilderment. I thought I was being considerate! I was pulling my jacket away from his freakin’ (creakin’) knees!

My husband intervened and directed me to just put my jacket inside my seat where I could sit on it. Which I did. And turned around to face the back of the seat in front of me, where a woman had draped her bulky shawl — which touched my knees.

This little interaction kinda blew my mind. Here was a man I had never seen before bitching at me about what one of my NYC friends calls “theater real estate.” I was utterly ignorant of the territorial rights this man (but apparently not the woman in front of me) took for granted. And I, apparently, was the bad guy.

Nope. Step back, asshole.

Child Adults

Just to get this out of the way so I can return to the sheer delight of being outraged: We can all become Child Adults. We can all regress to early stages of our development, of our life experiences, and act like children. Even when we’re oodles of years old, like the guy at the symphony was.

There are all kinds of manifestations of this type of assholism. Let’s call this one the Magical Thinker (blended with a healthy streak of entitlement, but that’s a topic for another day.) The Magical Thinker expects the world to read his mind. To just know what needs to be known — especially about the Magical Thinker. The Magical Thinker stands at the center of the universe, and the universe adapts to his needs and desires. Automatically. With no prompting.

Magic!

And I had bought into the role. I (as a deeply considerate human being) was trying to adapt to the Magical Thinker’s needs and desires. Those being, apparently, to not have a jacket touching his knees. Okay. Weird. Niche. But OK. I’ll get my jacket off your knees.

But no. This was not what the Magical Thinker needed or desired.

What he could have and arguably should have said was something like, “I’m sorry, but do you mind keeping your jacket on your side of the seat? I’m averse to jackets draped over seat backs.” Smiling the whole time. With a hint of humor. Like changing “averse” to “allergic.” Hunh! Funny (ish)!

But that’s not what he said. What he said was, “Why can’t you just be considerate?” Uh-oh. Now he has shut down the conversation. He has determined that I and my efforts to appease him did not count. I was erased and replaced with the person he defined as inconsiderate.

Fighting words.

Where’s your compassion?

UHHH. Do I have to? Get to compassion? When it’s so enjoyable to rage about fuckin’ people?

Yep.

Because, when I took some time to think about this interaction, I had to admit that I resonate with our Magical Thinker’s question. Why, I often wonder, aren’t people more considerate? Why do they stand in the middle of a busy sidewalk or cut in front of me (in person or in a car) or skip lines or otherwise broadcast that they are utterly and unconsciously oblivious?

One possible answer is that they’re not thinking about me. They’re not watching my every move and concentrating really hard to figure out what I need them to do. They have the gall to think that they have the right to exist in their very own worlds.

Why might this human right piss me and my guy at the symphony off so badly?

Some guesses:

• Because, maybe, we both abhor being erased

• Because, maybe, we both think of our existence under certain stressful circumstances as a zero-sum game. If you take up any of my space, you’ve taken it all up. If you don’t take me into consideration, I have disappeared.

If I picture my guy as a child who was being treated in ways that taught him these lessons — let’s say his needs were consistently overlooked or ridiculed or dismissed, so much so that he now needs to protect his (and his knees’) rights assiduously; or maybe his every need, every discomfort or dissatisfaction or disappointment, was fussed over and apologized for, so much so that he expects everyone he now encounters to do the same (and can’t handle it when they don’t) — then I start to feel sorry for him. Whether he was neglected or over-indulged, he didn’t develop the skills that allow him to live as an Adult Adult.

An Adult Adult being a person who can manage their emotions and the relationships that activate them. Not necessarily to stop the emotions. But to manage them. To refrain from blurting shit. To be patient and civil even when they don’t want to be. To go home and work through their activated feelings. To lean on friends, partners, and therapists for reality checks. To own their shit, repair, show up with wisdom (or at least provisional understanding), and face others bravely.

So sad. My guy at the symphony was not able to be an Adult Adult because of my despicable lightweight Patagonia jacket.

Bummer. For me, certainly. But here I am, having worked through my outrage and now having a blast writing this Fuckin’ People blog post. And bummer for him. Forever. Cuz he’s not going to do his work. He’s going to continue regressing whenever he needs to, showing himself to be an unfortunate, underdeveloped, entitled and, yes, inconsiderate asshole.

God, I wish people like him would figure this shit out and grow the fuck up.

I mean: God bless him!

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Which kinda makes us assholes ourselves.

I know. Harsh! But let’s break this down.

What’s wrong with conflict?

Nothing, on the face of it. Conflict is, in fact, a natural part of human existence. But conflict means a lot of scary things underneath it all. Namely, relational uncertainty. The threat of rupture. Disruption. Retaliation. Disequilibrium. If you find yourself in opposition to someone who might be hurtful or cruel or punitive — or if you’re afraid that person will see you as hurtful or cruel or punitive — then you could be walking right into the path of a lightning bolt. You’d rather avoid getting your feet blown off, thank you very much.

Conflict seems to have morphed from disagreement, which is a pretty unavoidable and sometimes desirable state, to battle, a state that should be avoided at all costs. From a space where two people (or more) can work at understanding each other to a gladiators’ arena, where only one bloodied person is going to remain standing.

Naturally, then, conflict-aversion is not just fear of disagreement. It’s fear of hurt. Of hurting someone else. Of being hurt oneself. I’m not sure how this happened, but it seems obvious that we are now living in an age when “That hurt my feelings” is a death warrant. There is no acceptable response. If you hurt my feelings or offended me, you’re canceled. No discussion. You will exist again when I let you.

In short, conflict has been reduced to a winner-take-all proposition.

No wonder everyone wants to avoid it.

What’s the problem?

To be honest, kindness is the problem.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love kindness. Reaching out to people, enveloping them in loving acceptance, caring for them consistently or in a sudden “random act” — all that is good and right.

But disingenuous kindness, ambivalent kindness, protective kindness (which is usually self-protective kindness) — these kinds of kindness can be really problematic.

Let’s say I’ve got a roommate who’s irritating the hell out of me. They constantly leave dirty dishes in the sink, which can stay there for days. They make meals for themselves and leave ingredients and utensils out on the countertop. They don’t wipe down the stove and never sweep the floor.

Or let’s say I’m a boss of some sort. And an employee of mine isn’t doing her job. She gossips with co-workers. She’s glum and non-participatory at staff meetings. She spins her wheels a lot and blames others for her inability to get tasks done. On top of that, other employees have complained about her to me.

A kind person — a conflict avoider — would stuff their irritation. They’d shove it down out of conscious range and try to deny it exists. Or they’d come up with a work-around, like pushing the roommate’s dishes and other crap into a corner or reducing the employee’s responsibilities. These are examples of disingenuous, ambivalent, and self-protective kindness.

• Disingenuous in that the kindness is not authentic. It’s not truly generous, loving, or accepting. It’s all for show because it masks the underlying negative emotions. And it masks the overarching emotion of all conflict avoiders: fear. Of being attacked. Of being disliked. Of being seen as someone they don’t want to be seen as: Ungenerous. Angry. A bitch.

• Ambivalent in that there are a couple of opposite forces at work, even if one of them (say, the irritation) has to be submerged. The “kind” response reveals the ambivalence: It’s neither all in (cleaning the kitchen) or all out (firing the employee). It’s midway. It’s non-definitive. It’s ineffectual. (And need I say it? If the kind response is just going ahead and cleaning up the kitchen, our conflict avoider has now moved into the category of enabler.) (Which is a bad thing.)

• Self-protective in that it shields the conflict avoider from the potential pain of confronting reality. For the conflict avoider, repressing irritation, frustration, even anger at someone who is impinging negatively on them is far better than risking the possibility of hurt. Conflict avoiders don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But consider this: Protecting others from hurt feelings is simply a cover for protecting oneself from having to deal with those hurt feelings.

A super kind person would go even further. They would leap right over being disingenuous, ambivalent, or self-protective and would go for their own jugular. They would harangue themselves for being bad and intolerant and demanding. They would blame themselves for not being able to deal with dirty dishes or under-performing employees. “What’s wrong with me?” they might ask themselves.

A kind person would do all this because it’s rude to confront someone about their flaws. It’s selfish to put one’s own needs or preferences above someone else’s. It’s wrong to have negative feelings about someone because bad feelings make you a bad person.

I call bullshit right here.

It is not rude or selfish or wrong to call someone out for being rude, selfish, and wrong. Leaving one’s dishes, food, utensils, and crumbs scattered around a kitchen you share with someone else is all three of these things. It is thoughtless, self-centered, and entitled. It is a type of oblivious assholicness (not seeing what’s right in front of you) that can really grate. Helping a roommate develop the skill of seeing the trail of shit they leave behind them is actually a very kind act.

It is not rude or selfish or wrong to hold a mirror up to an employee who desperately needs correction. Anyone who gossips, withdraws, blames, and spins their wheels is quite likely miserable. And they’re spreading their misery through their actions (and inaction). Allowing such an employee to continue in this destructive way is not good for anyone. In fact, the kindest thing a boss can do is draw the employee’s attention to reality and invite them to change. For their good. And for everyone else’s.

So kindness. Sometimes it’s just not the appropriate response. Or we have to expand the definition to include “offering corrective action in hopes of ridding the world of assholes.” Emphasis on hope. Like “You’re being an asshole right now, but I have hope that it’s a temporary condition that you can change in response to correct(ive) action from me, someone who cares enough about you and our relationship to stop you in your tracks.”

But offering corrective action! That’s hard. It’s inconvenient to have to deal with people who are impinging negatively on you. It takes energy to overcome inertia. It takes time to work through difference. It takes confidence and solid grounding in your own garden, your own needs and preferences, to present the problem calmly and reasonably. It takes open-mindedness and open-heartedness to approach someone whose needs and preferences, ways and means (and skills) are different from your own. It takes trust — in yourself and in the other person. And if you don’t completely trust the other person, it takes that much more trust in yourself that you’ll survive the pushback and whatever else gets thrown at you.

It can feel so much easier just to absorb the trouble, pretend you’re a bottomless pit of wonderfulness, see the best in people, assume good intentions, look on the bright side, turn the other cheek, hope for the best, etc.

But, as I hope I’ve made clear, kindness that serves the purpose of avoiding conflict — either because we fear we’ll hurt someone with our criticism or (related) we fear they’ll hurt us for shining a light on something they’d rather not see or deal with — is problematic.

This is why I consider Conflict-Avoiders to be part of the problem. Because, when we run away from disagreement or the possibility of hurt feelings, when we yield to oblivious assholes or arrogant assholes or bullies, when we stuff our feelings and heat up our resentment meters or crush our spirits with self-recrimination, we contribute to the world’s ruination. We allow the assholes to win.

But, given the dire negative stakes of conflict, what is one to do?

My answer (echoing Elasti-Girl in The Incredibles): ENGAGE!

Which is the subject of the next couple of posts. Stay tuned!

And, if you want an example of a brave teacher who overcame her conflict aversion to turn a chaotic classroom around, listen to this episode of my Teaching through Emotions podcast. It’s a great — and important — story!

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Here’s a recent text Donald Trump shared with the world:

If the European Union works with Canada in order to do economic harm to the USA, large scale Tariffs, far larger than currently planned, will be placed on them both in order to protect the best friend that each of those two countries has ever had!

We all know that Trump is a bully. It’s not difficult to discern the threat here: Do what I want or else! From the ways Trump treats women to the ways he imitates people with disabilities to his shameless personal attacks on anyone who thwarts him to his mind-bogglingly dumb (to quote Hilary Clinton) tariff shitshow, he’s all about dominating for the sake of dominating. Shaming for the sake of shaming.

This is called “turning the passive into the active” or “identifying with the aggressor.” In general, all bullies do this: In a world where (they believe) there are two options, bully or be bullied, they choose the former (because they’ve learned they don’t like the latter). When someone opposes Donald Trump, he evidently reads that as bullying. He feels dominated and shamed. So he immediately, reflexively acts to offload those feelings onto the perceived offender (because he cannot handle them himself). It’s an effective move for constitutional (little ‘c’) cowards. Which all bullies actually are.

But this text of Trump’s reveals another truth about him. Again, we already knew this, but reading it today blew my mind: Donald Trump is an abuser. He’s a gaslighter. In his post, he actually employed the unbelievably heinous and deeply damaging technique of abusers wherein they hurt and then hug. “This is for your own good.” “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t love you.” “We’re the best friends you’ve ever had.”

In this text, Trump as bully threatens allies who have the gall to exist independently of him. This is the first offense against him. As a complete and total narcissist, Trump requires everyone he encounters to be used by him as he wishes. You don’t fall into line? You get pounded.

The second offense is that our allies respect themselves. This is dangerous for abusers. Because someone who actually respects themselves might leave. Which means a lot of terrifying things for an abuser: That they’re actually not in complete control of the world. That they’re alone with themselves and their nasty innards. That they cannot exert power over anybody. That they need to find another willing object for their sadism.

Imagine what it must be like to live within this “reality” (in quotes because, as an insane man, Trump has no relationship to actual co-constructed healthy human reality). Of course, there are far too many bullies and gaslighters out there; most of us have probably encountered one or two in our lives. But this is our President. This is the man some 49% of American voters found it possible to approve of in 2024.

How many bullies and gaslighters have those people encountered in their lives?

We have got to start standing up to bullies, respecting ourselves, speaking the actual truth even if it means engaging in conflict. We must become a nation of psychologically brave people who will not tolerate bullying or gaslighting. Not just by proclamation. But by action. Not just by protesting and calling our Congresspeople and writing letters to the editor (which we by all means must do). But by taking corrective action with our own people.

Our own Fuckin’ People. Who are, whether we like it or not, Republican and Democrat. Fathers and mothers. Bosses and co-workers. Us. People who act out their fears and insecurities, their dire expectations of a dangerous world, their self-loathing. And people who tolerate that acting out because it’s easier. Because they’re conflict-averse. And therefore become — for their own survival! — inured to assholic behavior.

How to do this? Let me count the ways. Sharing those ways is what this Substack is all about. Stay tuned.

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