Getting Defensive
Oh! I can’t stand it when someone says, “You don’t need to be so defensive.”
As if being defensive is
a sin.
As I see it, being defensive is data.
That is, if I’m feeling defensive, there is only one explanation for it:
I’m feeling attacked.
Two important words here:
attacked, of course,
and
feeling.
Feeling attacked is a purely subjective experience. It is an impact. It is independent of intention. If I feel attacked, I am interpreting your actions (no matter what your intentions might be) as aggressive, accusatory, judgmental, erasing, dangerous, offensive (in both senses of the word). I’m feeling unsafe.
And, because I’m feeling psychically unsafe due to my subjective interpreting, I’ll be defensive to try to ward off the danger.
Not a sin. Not a flaw. Rather, an understandable, human response.
But what next?
Good news: My feeling, my defensiveness, opens up grounds for discussion. If I’m feeling defensive, then
where’s the attack?
Can we unpack this experience? Can I describe what I observed and felt? (Using “I statements,” to prevent ongoing back-and-forth accusations?) Can I explain why I interpreted all this as an attack? How is my interpretation fulfilling my own negative expectations and, therefore, skewing me away from your (let’s hope positive) intention?
What were you intending when you said X in Y way? How did you want me to interpret what you said? What would have helped you achieve the impact you desired?
What’s mine? What’s yours? How can we reach mutual understanding?