No Blame
This axiom — no blame — is central to my work. Why?
Because guilt (the flip side of blame) is a great
blocker of change.
And because — another axiom of my work — there is at least one good reason for everything any person says and does.
We may not like the reason. We may not approve of the reason. But, if we
look for the reason
without blame we can align our relationships and promote change.
This refraining from blaming is hard. I get it. But it’s essential if you want your relationships with your students to work.
And it’s essential if you’re going to make good use of
self-reflection
and
self-evaluation.
That is, if you want your relationship with your self to work.
As a friend of mine who does exceptional research on teachers’ emotions says, noticing one’s emotions and relational patterns
without judgment can be a very difficult step for educators. They may notice patterns that do not align with their values or with the norms they face about how educators should behave or express their emotions.…[T]eachers may experience cognitive dissonance in this reflective process because the emotions they feel may not be aligned with their true values.
(That’s from p. 6 of this article.)
Here’s another mantra of my work:
Bring it.
Bring the negative emotions. Bring the heinous mistakes. Bring the shocking behaviors. Bring the horror that you can’t always be perfect — perfectly calm, perfectly kind, perfectly knowledgeable, perfectly tolerant and caring. Bring it all to a table where you can say what’s true with empathic, non-blaming, supportive people in a confidential space.
And work through it.
To come up with an effective plan of action. Huzzah!
(How do you work through it? Try this book. Or this blog post. Or this manual.)
As my friend writes (on p. 7 of that same article), gathering and analyzing emotional and relational data can help teachers
notice the moments of joy, inspiration, and humor that keep them going and can deconstruct global feelings of stress or overwhelm. Using emotional data, educators can identify opportunities to improve their practice and well-being.