Badmouthing

Backbiting. Spreading rumors. Gossiping.

Why is trash talking our fellow human beings so

enjoyable?

I am not above it. I can rail against someone who has done me wrong with the best of them. I find the act of badmouthing people relieving. It feels good to get the toxins out.

But I tend to do it in the privacy of my own home. And I tend to end my rant with the important caveat that

we are all assholes sometimes.

(Including me.)

So one reason we enjoy badmouthing each other, it seems, is the emotional relief. Another, according to researchers, is to gain evolutionary advantage. That is, we gossip about each other to keep each other in line. If I know you’re going to badmouth me because I’m freeloading, for example, I’m less likely to freeload and more likely to pitch in. Just so you’ll like me (and increase my chances of spreading my incredible genes).

Yeh sure. That really resonates. The gene part. Yup.

Here’s the thing: Why not be direct with people? Offer corrective experience when they step out of line?

I know I know. We’re all conflict-averse. But when did correcting each other become conflictual? Undesirable? Dangerous?

Why is badmouthing a better response to

grievance —

to need, to hurt, to imbalance — than taking corrective action is?

Why don’t we see good, solid, compassionate emotion work as relieving? as evolutionarily advantageous?

(It is, of course.)

I’ve worked with schools where teams of colleagues badmouthed each other routinely. If you work in such an environment, you know as well as I do that

it’s not good.

When people give themselves free rein to be assholes, the whole environment becomes toxic. Because, let’s face it: If Person X badmouths Person Y to me, I know that Person X is also badmouthing me to Person Y.

Which breeds (legitimate) distrust. And antipathy. And anger.

That’s not getting private relief. That’s not evolutionarily wise. That’s just plain

bad behavior.

Mantra: Lemme stop being an asshole and try doing some emotion work.