Thank you Betsy for this post! I must say I'm delighted to find that I'm not the only one who struggles with, why does my husband do that?! :)
I don't know much about fusion, let me know if there's a good reference on that. I also wonder if it's really about expecting our husbands to behave "rationally", the way we define rational. When of course we all have our own definition of what is "rational". ;-)
Haha!! I have to laugh at your bringing up rationality. Yes, I suppose we all have our own definitions of rationality, especially when the definition serves us (lol). I'm going to propose that most of what we do on a daily basis, and definitely the things we do automatically (like reach for the shampoo), are never rational in a cognitive sense. They're rational in an embodied sense. That is, given our physical and psychic structures (psychic structures being the ways we've co-constructed our beliefs and expectations of the world, which in turn can determine how we behave, often unconsciously), they make complete sense. Trying to make sense of that sense involves digging into the psychic structure, or doing psychodynamics.
Indeed we all have our own definition. On rationality I meant more "Why does my husband insist on using shampoo? It makes no sense. He has no hair!" So it may seem to not make sense in one way of looking at it, but then you gave some great examples of why it might make perfect sense to your husband. How to hold that we may have different views of "making sense", that others view can be equally valid to our own, that's the high art.
Btw, my husband and I often get into arguments over what makes sense. Given we're both PhDs in science / engineering, probably not a big surprise that we may each argue for what we deem "right", another illusion there. ;-)
Yes, you got it. We each have our own versions of what makes sense (to ourselves). Versions we don’t really question — unless we have a scientist for a spouse (for example — lol) who make us think about it! Then we get to debate!! Haha!!
Betsy, this is a really really good one!! Thank you so much. I’m not sure I understand fusion completely, but the way you walk it through resentment makes so much sense. I sometimes think “oh the world would be such a better place if more people thought like me!” And I call that voice “my inner fascist”. Maybe it’s my inner fusionist.
Thank you Betsy for this post! I must say I'm delighted to find that I'm not the only one who struggles with, why does my husband do that?! :)
I don't know much about fusion, let me know if there's a good reference on that. I also wonder if it's really about expecting our husbands to behave "rationally", the way we define rational. When of course we all have our own definition of what is "rational". ;-)
Haha!! I have to laugh at your bringing up rationality. Yes, I suppose we all have our own definitions of rationality, especially when the definition serves us (lol). I'm going to propose that most of what we do on a daily basis, and definitely the things we do automatically (like reach for the shampoo), are never rational in a cognitive sense. They're rational in an embodied sense. That is, given our physical and psychic structures (psychic structures being the ways we've co-constructed our beliefs and expectations of the world, which in turn can determine how we behave, often unconsciously), they make complete sense. Trying to make sense of that sense involves digging into the psychic structure, or doing psychodynamics.
Oh god! Does that make sense? :)
Indeed we all have our own definition. On rationality I meant more "Why does my husband insist on using shampoo? It makes no sense. He has no hair!" So it may seem to not make sense in one way of looking at it, but then you gave some great examples of why it might make perfect sense to your husband. How to hold that we may have different views of "making sense", that others view can be equally valid to our own, that's the high art.
Btw, my husband and I often get into arguments over what makes sense. Given we're both PhDs in science / engineering, probably not a big surprise that we may each argue for what we deem "right", another illusion there. ;-)
Yes, you got it. We each have our own versions of what makes sense (to ourselves). Versions we don’t really question — unless we have a scientist for a spouse (for example — lol) who make us think about it! Then we get to debate!! Haha!!
Betsy, this is a really really good one!! Thank you so much. I’m not sure I understand fusion completely, but the way you walk it through resentment makes so much sense. I sometimes think “oh the world would be such a better place if more people thought like me!” And I call that voice “my inner fascist”. Maybe it’s my inner fusionist.
I love that change from inner fascist to inner fusionist!! Perfect.