And then there are the Passive-Aggressive Assholes.
In which I suggest a few useful categories
Just to be clear: There are passive assholes. People who reveal their assholic potential by being inconsiderate. By doing what they want and letting you do the work of adjusting to them. Not in an aggressive way. (Remember, they’re passive.) Just in an entitled way. Like the guy I saw yesterday who pulled his Mercedes up to an urban Trader Joe’s so his wife could load her groceries into the trunk — while completely blocking the pedestrian crosswalk. Like “What? It’ll only be a minute! And it’s much easier for me!”
Then there are the passive-aggressive assholes. Passive-aggressive assholes are the ones who land a hard punch by seemingly doing nothing. They fly way under the radar. They strike then look away and whistle innocently. They’ll deny any accusations.
Many passive-aggressive assholes know what they’re doing. They seem to want to hurt you. Gaslighters. Withdrawing assholes. Withholding assholes. Sadists. There’s something undeniably despicable about these types of assholes. (And I’ll get to them.)
But other passive-aggressive assholes are desperate to be seen as nice. As super nice. Hence the perhaps surprising category of
Super Nice Asshole
As a therapist once said to me, “The nicest people are often the angriest.” Not what you’d expect, right? Aren’t nice people just – nice? Through and through?
Sometimes, yes. There are many nice people who sacrifice themselves for the good of others. Nice people make and deliver meals to shut-ins. Nice people listen patiently to a friend obsessing about her shitty job. Nice people play make-believe with a 4-year-old when they’d rather be chugging martinis with their friends.
But super nice people? People who don’t seem to have any shadow side? Beware. They might be assholes.
I call them Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing. Consider these three manifestations of Super Nice Assholes:
The Stealth Blowdarter. This is the Super Nice Asshole who sits in a meeting or at the dinner table blowing invisible poison darts at people. The darts are so subtle or masked that the victim isn’t even sure they’ve been hit. Backhanded compliments. Sarcastic comments. Veiled blame or criticism. Disingenuous cooing. Always indirect. Always delivered with a big smile, often a laugh. If anyone tries to call them out on an insult, blowdarters deny any malevolence. Cuz I was just kidding! Or don’t get so defensive! Or I didn’t mean it that way! When they sure as hell did.
The Sister Superior. This is the saintly Super Nice Asshole, the one who is holier-than-thou, untouchable. Can do no wrong. While everybody else is always doing wrong – and needs to have it pointed out. For their own good. But not directly. Only indirectly. A suggestion. A leading question. A wholly disingenuous claim of responsibility followed by a flurry of evidence that it actually wasn’t their fault. All in a soft, understanding, really caring voice. And with an empathic smile. (Always the smile!) The Sister Superior Super Nice Asshole is related to the Grandiose Asshole because these types can do everything better than everyone else and really should just fuckin’ run the world. At least, that’s what they think.
The Backbiter. This is the Super Nice Asshole who pretends to like you – never disagrees with you, never stands up to you, never objects to anything you do or say, never raises a complaint or problem to your face – but badmouths you behind your back. Sometimes viciously. This is a total two-faced hypocrite whose internal venom is so voluminous that they can’t keep it in. They’ve got to let it out in a flood – with a compatriot. Or, worse, with many compatriots. Because backbiters are contagious. They infect entire systems with dissatisfaction, misery, and, importantly, distrust. It's hard to trust anybody in a social system once you’ve figured out that, if the Backbiter is talking trash to you about that guy, they’re probably talking trash to that guy about you.
Maybe a better name for Super Nice Assholes, better than Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing, is just this: Cowards.
Once again: Some people are truly and deeply Super Nice. These people must be cherished. So how do you tell when you’re dealing with an asshole? Trust your body. That jolt of alarm. That urge to screw up your face in confusion. The question mark that arises in your consciousness, like “Wha — ?” or “Why?” That companionable laugh that leaves you thinking, “Wait — was that joke on me?”
Identifying the Super Nice Asshole is the first step. Next up: What to do with them.