Are negative emotions good or bad?
In which I answer the question from my perspective and ask about yours
Of course emotions are bad! They make you feel bad. And they make you a bad person. Only bad people feel emotions like anger, irritation, judgment, envy, hatred. Definitely hatred. “Hate” is a strong word. So hating is bad.
I think, but I’m not sure, that this attitude towards negative emotions is common. I mean, who wants to feel terrible? Who doesn’t do whatever they can to change their mood when they’re sad or frustrated or feeling helpless?
Well, me, for one. And anyone who is curious about the legitimate sources of those negative emotions.
For me, and for Teaching through Emotions generally, negative emotions are a gift. Because, like physical pain, they indicate that something is wrong. And they can be amazingly accurate. Attending to negative emotions with curiosity and a smidgen of psychodynamic perspective can lead you out of negativity and into life-changing understanding! And a plan of action that evaporates the negative feelings and strengthens relationships at the same time! Amazing!
Don’t get me wrong. There are many negative emotions I don’t want. When I’m stressed or anxious about something that scares me — the possibility that someone is irretrievably angry at me, that I’ve done something wrong that I can’t repair, that I’ll be abandoned or attacked or reviled for being me — these deep (what I call) Bedrock emotions are gripping and torturous. I don’t like having them. I want to escape them as fast as I can.
But still I know that they are symptoms. They are messengers. Often they carry information from my past, from experiences that taught me lessons I internalized into psychic Bedrock — experiences that are not relevant now because the original lessons are over and the present is different. When I’m engulfed by these kinds of (what I call) transferential emotions, I acknowledge them — “Oh, hi, Transference. There you are. Let’s see how you communicate with me today” — and wait for them to dissipate. Because they always do. But I hold myself tenderly while I live through them.
Most often my negative emotions alert me to repair work I need to do either on myself or with others. I ask my feelings, “What are you teaching me about myself and others? What is in my power to do to resolve the source of this emotional uprising?” And I try something. What I’ve learned from years of experience is that the relational experiment I try will result in one of two things: relief and resolution OR more data. That I can then fold into my next experiment.
I’ve written this whole long thing because I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that this knowledge and these practices — the knowledge and faith that negative emotions are a motherlode of valuable information and the practices that strengthen relationships — are not second nature to most people. That most people avoid these emotions at all costs — even if the costs include disconnection, objectification, deepened disaffection, loneliness. If you’re like, “Yeah! Damn straight! Why would they be second nature? Everyone avoids negative emotions!” then I hope you keep reading and listening to Teaching through Emotions. Because I believe the fate of our world depends on our ability to connect with each other humanely. Which means we have to deal with our negative feelings. Which means we have to at least acknowledge them, maybe label them, even sit with them, to see what they have to teach us.
I’d love to hear your perspective. What do you do with negative emotions?