Whenever I orient teachers to Teacher Support Groups, I make sure to tell them how totally uninterested I am in their positive emotions.
I do not want to hear about what’s good about their teaching lives.
Save your happiness! Stuff your joy! What I want to hear is the negative. The anger, frustration, fear, insecurity, helplessness, hopelessness, desperation.
Why? Why do I love the negative so much?
Because
negative emotions are just as real as positive ones. Our dark side is just as necessary as our light side. Yin and yang, baby!
negative emotions are much more informative than positive ones. We learn from negative emotions. Not so much from positive ones.
negative emotions are the equivalent of physical pain. They indicate that something is wrong or off-balance in ourselves and/or in our relationships. Which means we can right ourselves.
negative emotions, if unprocessed, build up. They will take you all the way to burnout. Or to quitting. Or to terrible physical and mental health. So they need to be addressed.
negative emotions have a bad rap. And I like to root for the underdog.
In short, negative emotions are a godsend. We ignore them at our peril.
Tip #5: Process your negative emotions. Every single day.
I’m guessing this tip rubs some of my dear readers the wrong way. After all, who wants to dwell in anger? It’s bad for you! Who wants to acknowledge envy? And who the hell wants to deal with shame or hatred or fear or self-doubt? Just stay positive! Practice your loving mantras! (“May I be filled with loving kindness…” even when I most definitely am NOT.)
For all the reasons I listed above, it is essential for humans to figure out how to embrace their negative emotions. Notice them. Appreciate them. Label them. Sit with them. Wonder about and work with them.
Transform them.
If you do emotion work properly, your negative emotions, rather than burning you out, can teach you a whole helluva lot.
what maladaptive relational patterns you automatically enact (to your and others’ detriment)
what other people are feeling (so you can respond to their Emotional Bedrock rather than what they say or do, which are just symptoms of deeper pain)
which negative self-beliefs handicap you — and can be changed
how to feel compassion for someone you thought you couldn’t stand
what experiments to try that will realign your connections, reduce conflict and stress, and improve your teaching and your students’ learning
Embracing your negative emotions might take some courage. Which means you should start slowly. And practice every day. By
labeling: Just practice feeling your innards and noticing what emotions are swirling in there. Write them down. Get as specific as you can. Different emotions have different meanings.
wondering: What do the emotions you’re having mean to you? Wanna know what they mean to other people? Check out The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You. Get curious about negative emotions, why they arise, what their life span is, what they can teach you.
questioning: What are your entrenched beliefs about negative emotions? What makes you shy away from them? Question those beliefs. Revise them. Listen to this fantastic TTE episode about a teacher who decided to contradict her tried and true “forgive and forget” policy and go for gentle confrontation and repair. Miraculous.
journaling: What negative emotions did I feel today? (or am I feeling right now?) What happened that triggered these emotions in me? What might these emotions be telling me about what happened? What makes it difficult for me to detach from them and get curious about them? What do I believe about myself right now? Why? That kind of thing.
meditating: When you’re feeling strongly, sit with the feeling. Watch your innards with curiosity. See if the emotions change or transmute into an image or a thought that gives you new perspective. These emotions really do want to teach you something or else you wouldn’t be feeling them. Give them a chance to speak.
talking: Bring your negative emotions to a therapist. Or a psycho-coach. (Since I made up that term, I think I might be the only one in the whole wide world. So call the TTE hotline 413.239.4158 or email me at betsy@teachingthroughemotions.com.) Or a Teacher Support Group. (Again, that would be me. See above.) Talking to a wise friend can help, but professionals know how to help you metabolize your emotions effectively. And efficiently.
What else? What do you do to work through your negative emotions? What success stories can you share?
All teachers have negative emotions (whether they know it or like it or not). Sharing yours with the TTE community is another way to exercise courage. What you’ll find is that you are not the first person to ever feel this way. Because you are not alone.
And negative emotions are your friends.