Becoming inured to abusive assholes
In which I consider a recent "Truth" from Donald Trump
I am gobsmacked.
Here’s a recent text Donald Trump shared with the world:
If the European Union works with Canada in order to do economic harm to the USA, large scale Tariffs, far larger than currently planned, will be placed on them both in order to protect the best friend that each of those two countries has ever had!
We all know that Trump is a bully. It’s not difficult to discern the threat here: Do what I want or else! From the ways Trump treats women to the ways he imitates people with disabilities to his shameless personal attacks on anyone who thwarts him to his mind-bogglingly dumb (to quote Hilary Clinton) tariff shitshow, he’s all about dominating for the sake of dominating. Shaming for the sake of shaming.
This is called “turning the passive into the active” or “identifying with the aggressor.” In general, all bullies do this: In a world where (they believe) there are two options, bully or be bullied, they choose the former (because they’ve learned they don’t like the latter). When someone opposes Donald Trump, he evidently reads that as bullying. He feels dominated and shamed. So he immediately, reflexively acts to offload those feelings onto the perceived offender (because he cannot handle them himself). It’s an effective move for constitutional (little ‘c’) cowards. Which all bullies actually are.
But this text of Trump’s reveals another truth about him. Again, we already knew this, but reading it today blew my mind: Donald Trump is an abuser. He’s a gaslighter. In his post, he actually employed the unbelievably heinous and deeply damaging technique of abusers wherein they hurt and then hug. “This is for your own good.” “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t love you.” “We’re the best friends you’ve ever had.”
In this text, Trump as bully threatens allies who have the gall to exist independently of him. This is the first offense against him. As a complete and total narcissist, Trump requires everyone he encounters to be used by him as he wishes. You don’t fall into line? You get pounded.
The second offense is that our allies respect themselves. This is dangerous for abusers. Because someone who actually respects themselves might leave. Which means a lot of terrifying things for an abuser: That they’re actually not in complete control of the world. That they’re alone with themselves and their nasty innards. That they cannot exert power over anybody. That they need to find another willing object for their sadism.
Imagine what it must be like to live within this “reality” (in quotes because, as an insane man, Trump has no relationship to actual co-constructed healthy human reality). Of course, there are far too many bullies and gaslighters out there; most of us have probably encountered one or two in our lives. But this is our President. This is the man some 49% of American voters found it possible to approve of in 2024.
How many bullies and gaslighters have those people encountered in their lives?
We have got to start standing up to bullies, respecting ourselves, speaking the actual truth even if it means engaging in conflict. We must become a nation of psychologically brave people who will not tolerate bullying or gaslighting. Not just by proclamation. But by action. Not just by protesting and calling our Congresspeople and writing letters to the editor (which we by all means must do). But by taking corrective action with our own people.
Our own Fuckin’ People. Who are, whether we like it or not, Republican and Democrat. Fathers and mothers. Bosses and co-workers. Us. People who act out their fears and insecurities, their dire expectations of a dangerous world, their self-loathing. And people who tolerate that acting out because it’s easier. Because they’re conflict-averse. And therefore become — for their own survival! — inured to assholic behavior.
How to do this? Let me count the ways. Sharing those ways is what this Substack is all about. Stay tuned.