He's gonna "own" her no matter what.

In which I help a friend think about an aggressive asshole in her life

I call this type, the type my friend told me about, a Provocateur. Or less charitably (and more accurately) a Provocative Asshole.

We all know them. We certainly read about them in the news. They are people who lead with sadism. Who love to hate and who smear that hate all over people they’ve decided are enemies. Who might be kind and competent in other situations but who cannot help but loose their pent-up, unprocessed, undisciplined aggression onto the objects they’ve chosen to satisfy their terrible and primitive urges.

In my friend’s case, her Provocative Asshole is a relative. One she has to deal with. And he is relentless in his use of her. In fact, I call his type of use usurious.

Use = fitting with a person to get some work done

Usurious = taking more from a person than the relationship warrants or that the person wants (or has) to give

Examples

My friend is a considerate and helpful person. At first, when she found herself in her Provocative Asshole’s home for dinner, she characteristically offered to help him. He would give her a task, which she would complete, and then he would criticize her for not doing it the way he wanted, or the way he deemed proper, or the way he would do it. My friend’s feeling was that he constantly set her up to fail so he could yell, “Gotcha!” when she did. Whenever this happened, my friend seethed.

How is this behavior usurious? The Provocative Asshole’s response is not actually about the task. Because I know how extraordinarily competent my friend is, I can guarantee every task she takes on is done well. His “Gotcha!” response is about dominating my friend. Putting out a trap for her. Luring her into it. And snapping the giant claws down on her. In his trap, he gets to evaluate her. Judge her. Define her in ways that are so inaccurate they’re head-spinning. Without any regard for his impact. In fact, with the apparent goal of making her feel like shit.

Being trapped by some asshole is more than my friend deserves and it sure as hell is more than she wants. Relational usury.

My friend has witnessed her Provocative Asshole tickle his children. Sometimes they enjoy it, but when they’ve had enough, they indicate in normal human ways that they’re done with the tickling. Provocative Asshole continues. And then he threatens. He’ll crook his finger at his child, who by now is screaming “NO!” in genuine fear, and will make feints as if he’s coming in yet again. Doesn’t matter what his kid wants. What matters is the torture.

How is this behavior usurious? Most of us have probably experienced the line between mutually enjoyable tickling and unwanted tickling. Consensual experience (in theory) is equitable. We agree to use each other in these particular ways. When our desire not to be used (tickled) anymore is overridden, when one of us has withdrawn consent and our partner completely ignores and disrespects our preference, now we’ve got a power problem. The interaction is no longer equitable; it is unequal. One person is wielding power over another. Dominating. Forcing submission. Which is more than the child who is screaming “NO!” wants or deserves. Usury.

Heinous.

What is his DEAL?

Oh my god I can only guess. But that’s all we can do, right? I don’t know what’s going on in that guy’s body or mind. But his behaviors give us ALL KINDS OF AMAZING CLUES.

Like, to name just a few

• He apparently feels no gratitude. Or empathy.

• Relationships are unequal, with one person dominating, even torturing and terrorizing.

• Boundaries either do not exist or are meant to be transgressed. At (his) will.

So let’s put these clues together into some sort of formulation. A big Guess about what my friend’s Asshole’s deal is. Again, just a Guess. Something like this?

My friend’s Provocative Asshole is teaching her about his childhood. That is, he is treating my friend (and his children) in the ways he was treated. With scorn, criticism, domination. Without appreciation or concern for his or others’ feelings or experience. Without regard for their rights and needs. With a bizarre, concerted choice not to see others accurately but to turn them into objects that can be used ruthlessly. In this formulation, my friend becomes a container for the Provocative Asshole’s unbearable internal feelings (she seethes; she hates; one can assume he does, too). His kids become terrified, agency-less objects whose helplessness makes him feel good.

My guess is our Provocative Asshole was used in just this manner by the people he loved who were supposed to love him.

Now that he’s an “adult,” he gets to do all this shit to everybody else — especially to family.

Where’s her compassion?

Nowhere. My friend, when we were talking about her Provocative Asshole, was like “NO WAY. This man SUCKS. I will NOT feel anything good for or about him.”

Gotcha. Totally get it.

But here’s a thought: These types of assholes are extremely common. And they’re having a corrosive impact on many of the individuals who have relationships with them, not to mention on our body politic. One might argue, then, that it is these very people who need concerted attention, who need correction, who need to be drawn back to a place of relational safety and, ideally, love.

I know. CRINGE.

I’m gonna stop right here to send out to my friend a big

THANK YOU

for reminding me how hard it can be to Get to Compassion. Because it is SO MUCH EASIER to hate these fuckers than to figure out how to love them, by which I mean stay connected with them through understanding, compassion, and a belief in their human ability to flourish under caretaking that satisfies deep and painful needs.

So what does my friend’s Provocative Asshole need? My guess is attention. Loving attention. Accurate, loving attention. He needs to be seen for who he is: Someone with high standards, the capacity to evaluate others’ performance, and the ability and willingness to communicate his expectations. (See how we turned his nasty micro-managing into a strength? Because, if it were coming from a lovely person rather than a Provocative Asshole, it would be!)

He needs to be seen for what he is: Competent. Skilled. Valued. Lovable. (Oooh, this last can be so hard to see!!!! But notice how so many assholes behave in ways that make them unlovable. My guess is it’s because they’re Making It So; they’re defending against disappointment by foreclosing on the hope that someone might love them by ensuring no one can.)

Personally, I cannot stand the thought that a human being was not seen accurately when they were children. To be seen as someone you are not; to be defined by someone else in terms that serve them and actually erase you; to be seen as a part of yourself (the bad part) and treated as though that were your whole; to learn to distrust love. These are psychic insults that scar. And they can affect people forever.

They evidently scarred my friend’s Provocative Asshole. In very big ways.

So now the question is what to do about someone like this.

Of course, one option, the one my friend has so far taken, is nothing. But, should she want to try something — if she weren’t so worn down by endless abhorrent experiences with this abhorrent man — she could try directly addressing our hypothesis. She could try complimenting him for his actual talents, overlooking the pathetic nastiness that wraps around them like killing vines.

For example, she could offer to help in the kitchen again. But this time, she could have a plan for when he jumped out to say “GOTCHA!” She could give him a big (genuine) smile, laugh (if possible), and say, “How did you know I’d mess this up? You clearly have very high standards.”

I don’t know. Easy for me to say. Very difficult for her to do. What do you think? Would this plan work, in your opinion? What might work better? What have you done with the Provocative Asshole(s) in your life?

And the big question: How do we offer these people corrective action so they can eventually stop being so cruel — because they’re finally getting what they need and, actually, as human beings, deserve?