AACK!! This all sounds very good IF there is trust and a relationship between us. But if not, the trust issue is a big obstacle. I don’t trust the other person to honor my garden, even if I try to show I honor theirs. What then? Do I act as if I expect them to? And hope this magically transpires?
You’re totally right!!! Trust plays a big role in engagement. And engaging with someone over something you know they might not want to hear can be scary even if there IS mutual trust (at least, at first). So you’ve got to choose your battles — that is, choose people you do trust (to start off with) and say and do what you trust yourself to say and do. With time and practice, I’ve found I can take bigger risks with people I don’t necessarily know or trust because I know I can manage whatever they throw back at me (and I can be pleasantly surprised by them). But DO NOT TRY THIS (that is, engagement) with someone who can harm or dysregulate you! I do not engage with people I suspect will never accept corrective action. I choose not to waste my time and precious energy.
Betsy, I appreciate the nuanced description of the problem, the mental state we can get in. (Very relatable as I cleaned up our rather messy kitchen counter this morning after a weekend of fun with our family. ) I like the idea of framing it as engagement vs. conflict (much easier), and about staying in our garden and ask about how to problem-solve together. One suggestion I have would be to share how the mess make us feel, like in Non-Violent Communication. So for me I'd say annoyed and stressed on a Monday workday morning.
AACK!! This all sounds very good IF there is trust and a relationship between us. But if not, the trust issue is a big obstacle. I don’t trust the other person to honor my garden, even if I try to show I honor theirs. What then? Do I act as if I expect them to? And hope this magically transpires?
You’re totally right!!! Trust plays a big role in engagement. And engaging with someone over something you know they might not want to hear can be scary even if there IS mutual trust (at least, at first). So you’ve got to choose your battles — that is, choose people you do trust (to start off with) and say and do what you trust yourself to say and do. With time and practice, I’ve found I can take bigger risks with people I don’t necessarily know or trust because I know I can manage whatever they throw back at me (and I can be pleasantly surprised by them). But DO NOT TRY THIS (that is, engagement) with someone who can harm or dysregulate you! I do not engage with people I suspect will never accept corrective action. I choose not to waste my time and precious energy.
I feel another post coming on….
Betsy, I appreciate the nuanced description of the problem, the mental state we can get in. (Very relatable as I cleaned up our rather messy kitchen counter this morning after a weekend of fun with our family. ) I like the idea of framing it as engagement vs. conflict (much easier), and about staying in our garden and ask about how to problem-solve together. One suggestion I have would be to share how the mess make us feel, like in Non-Violent Communication. So for me I'd say annoyed and stressed on a Monday workday morning.