I hate being used. But humans use each other all the time.
In which I share a concrete response to a potentially dysfunctional human proclivity
When I feel used, I tend to get angry.
Which is a good thing. Because anger is a super-effective alarm. It is such a strong emotion that I can’t ignore it.
And so I wonder about it.
Usually anger alerts me to a boundary violation. An attempt by another person to take from me what I may not be willing to give. To use me.
Which means I need to consider whether and how.
Which first means I’d best retreat into my Garden and look around. From there I can consider whether I want to be used at all. Do I want to listen to this person talk endlessly about themselves right now? Yeah, OK. Do I want to be blamed for this person’s mistake? No. Do I want to accept this student’s late work? Yes. Do I want to stay in relationship with a narcissist? Well, since this one is my dad, yes.
Once I have decided whether to be used, I decide how I’m willing to proceed. Emphasis on willing.
I’ll find interest in this needy, talkative person but give myself silent permission to bring the conversation to a close when I can no longer maintain a caring or curious stance.
I’ll calmly and gracefully reject the blame. “I can tell you’re upset about this. I totally get it; it sucks to discover you’ve made a mistake. What are you going to do now?”
I’ll accept the late work and impose agreed-upon consequences. If there are no agreed-upon consequences, I’ll discuss with my class what we’ll do about late work from now on.
I’ll activate my compassion for my narcissistic dad and know my limits: that I will not be abused by narcissistic rage. That I will honor my own boundaries and speak my truth despite the inevitability of vicious retaliation, knowing the punishment has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the narcissist’s unbearable pain. That I will reserve the right to walk away for now or end the relationship for good. That I will not try to change the narcissist but rather will attempt to love and respect them by acknowledging how hard it is sometimes to be them. That I will refuse to conform to their reality, which ultimately isolates them, but instead will try to co-create a shared reality that is safe for both of us. Until all this is no longer possible.
The how is not pre-programmable. What matters, I believe, is making the decisions in your particular circumstances. Re-asserting your agency in your own life in the face of someone who would rather turn you into an object for their use. I call this Re-Subjectifying.
As humans, we get to do this over and over again: We get to decide whether we consent to be used and, if yes, to design the how to fit the circumstances. We are in charge of our contributions to our shared experiences.