I just made an interesting realization.

About what people might not know about relationships

Recently I was talking with a friend about marriage. About choosing spouses and then making marriage work with them. About how the marriage project can fail when expectations are not met.

Here’s what I realized: Not everyone gets why we choose the partners we choose. And not everyone knows how to adjust unrealistic expectations to better match reality.

Not everyone knows that we all bring unrealistic expectations to our relationships — we can’t help it! — and yet have the power to see those expectations and each other clearly enough to co-create a shared reality.

Emphasis on co.

Why we choose the partners we do

So here’s why we choose the partners we choose (at least part of the reason why):

They remind us of the people who shaped us and taught us how love and care and connection work.

That is, our parents, guardians, grandparents, siblings, uncles, etc. Those early attachment figures taught us not just how love and care and connection work, but what we need from ourselves and others for our very psychic survival. When we feel attracted to someone, these early lessons about our needs and how a person will (or will not) satisfy them are paramount.

And, generally, unconscious.

Of course, falling in love is a hilarious trick human nature plays on us. We go absolutely insane for a bit — long enough to consent to hang out with a human being because we’ve convinced ourselves they’re ideal in every way — so that we can learn the more complicated truth about them and ourselves within the security of an emotional commitment.

And, as I said, that truth is pretty much guaranteed to disappoint.

First and foremost because our positive expectations based on early attachment figures necessarily fall short when they’re placed on someone who is not one of those early attachment figures. If I expect to replicate my parents’ perfect marriage with my beloved, I’m deluded. A different person means a different reality means a different relationship. Cuz my partner is not my mom.

Second because our negative expectations might very well materialize. If I grew up surrounded by arrogant know-it-alls, I will almost certainly be attracted to an arrogant know-it-all. Not because I just love arrogant know-it-alls. I don’t. But because I’m used to them. They were the air I breathed as a developing organism, and, if I am to create my own family (that is, my version of my family of origin), I’ll make sure my new atmosphere contains at least some of that element. It’s just how we humans roll.

Thirdly because our expectations of relationships and families are bound to conflict with our partner’s expectations. That is, once the cloud of romantic insanity has lifted and we’re staring at each other in the harsh light of reality, we discover that “Oh. You’re not ideal after all. In fact, you’re far from it.” You don’t clean up after yourself (which was so whimsical when we first met!). I snore all night long (which you never noticed before). You get defensive whenever I correct you. You can’t stand how I behave around my friends. I love you, but sometimes you irritate the crap out of me.

You know. Reality.

And then there are the cultural expectations. Of finding your true love, your soulmate, and living happily ever after. Yeah, sorry. Your true love and soulmate are ghostly versions of your early attachment figures. Familiar enough and different enough to trick you into thinking either they’ll be just the way you want them to be or just the person to help you escape your past. Or — here’s another cultural expectation — they’ll change for you. Oh my. That belief is a disappointment magnet.

The antidote to this dilemma

OK so reality can really suck. (That’s a fair mantra for our times.) But relationships are the antidote to sucky reality! Because relationships, while they carry the load of unrealistic expectations and crippling disappointment, also pump the power of love, care, and connection, of curiosity and compassion, of clear-seeing and comprehension, all of which every human being wants and needs. Relationships are the means by which we pick up on interpersonal misalignment, on unsatisfied need, on debilitating emotions — on the shit we human beings feel inside and bring to other people — and they are the means by which we re-align with others, satisfy needs, and respond appropriately and healingly to debilitating emotions and experiences. Which can make reality awesome.

Everyone, every single human being, needs to know and understand this power. And wield it to improve their own and others’ lives. Even if — when — we’re disappointed by the reality of our true loves, our true lives.

This fact, the fact of the immense power relationships have to heal and make the world a better place, seems so obvious to me! But I think it’s not obvious to many. That’s what I realized recently. With a bit of a shock.

Of course, my belief in and experience of the ways healthy relationships can change lives (my own included) is what impels me to write this blog and produce my podcast. We can do this, people! We can use the power of relationships to save ourselves and our desperate world!

But maybe that’s not so obvious? Or is it so obvious it’s not worth stating? What do you think?