I really hate Oblivious Assholes: Part One

In which I discuss the type of asshole that attacks when their oblivious bubble is popped

You might not have even thought of Oblivious Assholes as a category of Fuckin’ People. But consider:

These are the people who can’t be bothered with reality: the fact that other human beings exist, for example, or that there’s a space-time continuum (so their demands cannot be satisfied instantly), or that relationships are pretty much by definition two-way. They are the pedestrians who stop short in the middle of the sidewalk to check their phones, the drivers who dart in front of an oncoming car from a side street and slow down to 5 mph below the speed limit (my personal hell), the talkers who drone endlessly on without noticing that their listener’s eyes have glazed over.

Of course, simply being oblivious does not make someone an asshole. Obliviousness can be a wonderful state: a person might be in flow – that is, completely engaged in a fully absorbing activity like changing the oil or scrapbooking or writing; they might be daydreaming; they might be lost in some really interesting thought; they might be following their bliss. In general, obliviousness means being preoccupied with one’s own goals and pleasures, which, once again, does not make the asshole. What makes the asshole is negatively impacting other people — and not giving a shit.

A way to distinguish between someone who is merely oblivious and an Oblivious Asshole is to tap them on the shoulder. The merely oblivious person will reflexively apologize when they’re reminded there’s a world out there. The Oblivious Asshole will flip you off.

As my title states: I really hate Oblivious Assholes. I hate being taken for granted by them. I hate being forced to be considerate of them when their obliviousness excuses them from being considerate of me (and everybody else). Oblivious assholes grind at my sense of justice.

I know: Wah!!

The truth is that Oblivious Assholes — hell, all assholes — exist in the eye of the beholder. You might not be able to name one person from your entire fleet of acquaintances who qualifies as an Oblivious Asshole. (Lucky you!) But, because my particular psychic make-up renders me especially sensitive to people who are inconsiderate, you get the great pleasure of reading about them in this post. Because, in Fuckin’ People, I write about my assholes. Want me to write about your assholes? Leave a comment that describes one.

By my reckoning, there are a few types of Oblivious Asshole:

• those who attack when their oblivious bubble is popped

• those who stop seeing what’s right in front of them

• those who are accustomed to getting what they want (there is significant overlap here with Entitled Assholes, who will be the subject of their own Fuckin’ People posts)

• those who don’t even notice what they’re getting

In this post, I’ll focus on the first type, the Bubble Heads. (I’ll focus on the others in other posts.)

Example

The other day I was walking my dog in the park. We were on the runners’ and walkers’ side of a track, beside the bikers’ side of the track. Suddenly, I heard a biker yell, “You’re in the biking lane!” as he veered to avoid a walking guy who was, indeed, in the biking lane. The walking guy’s response was not “Oh! Sorry!!” (which, as I wrote earlier, is the sign of an oblivious person, not an Oblivious Asshole). No. The walking guy’s response was “Shut up!”

Shut up? When your obliviousness has put yourself and others in danger? When someone has called you out for it?

What an asshole. (Though he did move out of the bikers’ lane, choosing to walk right on the line between the two zones.)

Inside Scoop

Surprised as I was at the walking guy’s aggressive response, I was grateful to him, for he gave me much to think about as I walked my dog. Why, I wondered, was his automatic response so belligerent? What was going on inside him?

Of course, I don’t know, but what I imagined was that he felt ashamed. Being caught doing something wrong, even stupid, might have filled him with the feeling that there was something wrong with him — not simply that he had made a mistake.

This feeling of shame can make anybody an instant asshole. Because it’s such a bad feeling, people tend to extrude it. And, again because it’s such a bad feeling, extruded shame sounds and feels negative, ugly, mean. To think “I’m a bad person” is mean. To say, “Shut up” is mean. See how that works?

And I imagine that, if you’re just ambling along in your little bubble thinking you’re where you’re supposed to be, where you belong, and you suddenly find out you’re not, then you’re thrust into a bit of a fight or flight psychic state. It’s interesting to consider which state any of us would shift into under similar circumstances. I am pretty sure that I would not have gotten aggressive with the biker who corrected me by basically telling me to get back in my lane. I’m pretty sure I would have said, “Oops!” and then felt chastened about not knowing the traffic rules. And I would have hugged the side of the walking zone, staying as far away as possible from the bikers’ lane — and from repeating the mistake.

But then again? If I had felt exposed or stupid — or ashamed — I might very well have interpreted the biker’s description — “You’re in the biking lane!” — as an accusation, an attack, not just a description but a judgmental or belittling description. And I would have gotten defensive. I know I wouldn’t have said, “Shut up!” but I might have thought to myself, “Asshole!” Meaning the biker, not me.

Of course, this was basically the walking guy’s response. Which tells you something about his psychic make-up. Something like he expects meanness. He reads meanness — judgment, belittling, accusation and attack — into the world. And he protects himself — automatically, instantaneously, without thinking — by being mean back.

Which makes me think of a very interesting psychological defense called turning the passive into the active, or identifying with the aggressor. Basically, this defense says

the world is made up of two types of people: the bully and the bullied. In such a world, I will not be the bullied (the wrong person, the vulnerable or stupid person). Rather, I will be the bully.

Corollary to this worldview is “And I will never be wrong, vulnerable, or stupid.” Which is how one can feel when one is called out (and when one is bullied). Especially if being wrong, vulnerable, or stupid is ridiculed or condemned — which I’m guessing was the walking guy’s experience of life. If it wasn’t, I don’t think his first response to the biker would have been, “Shut up.”

And what about his choice of words? The walking guy did not say, “Fuck you!” or “Asshole!” He said, “Shut up!” Meaning, “Do not speak.” Meaning “Do not tell me what I don’t want to hear.” Meaning “Do not burst my self-absorbed, self-protective bubble.”

Interesting.

So I’m suggesting this walking guy was a Bubble Head, someone who was immersed in his own bubble (not necessarily a bad thing) but was structured, for whatever reason, to interpret the world as aggressive and mean. So, when reality impinged on him and burst his bubble, he responded aggressively and meanly.

How to deal with a Bubble Head

The obvious way to deal with a Bubble Headed Oblivious Asshole is to hate on him. What a dick! I mean, he was in the wrong, not the biker guy. And what an embarrassingly impotent thing to say: “Shut up!” It was like our Bubble Head was whining at his brothers. Regressed much?

Speaking of whining at brothers: It’s also worth hating on bro culture, which reduces so many boys and men to lethal torpedoes: hard, impenetrable metal on the outside, explosive, unprocessed emotions on the inside. We are currently living in a world where these fuckers get to self-detonate at will — and then get pardoned.

So, yeah, hate on Bubble Headed Oblivious Assholes. They are spreading negativity and belligerence, and it’s ruining the world.

But damn. When thinking about this particular Bubble Head, it is not at all difficult to feel sad. Because there is no way he would activate the defense of turning the passive into the active if he had not been bullied himself in his life. (By his brothers, maybe? “Shut up!”) If he had not been taught, quite thoroughly, that the world was mean and that his best protection against it was to go on the attack, to meet (perceived) meanness with meanness, he would not, I believe, have automatically reacted the way he did.

That is just sad!

And shame makes me sad. It is a terrible emotion; it is terrible to be convinced, even unconsciously (as was probably the case with our Bubble Head), that one is bad. Just constitutionally, irredeemably flawed. It breaks my heart to picture the types of experiences our Bubble Head might have had that taught him this lesson. It also makes me angry. How we treat each other.

So what to do with this Bubble Head? I did nothing to him directly. I considered looking over at him sympathetically, but the situation was too complicated for simple sympathy. Besides, he was wrapped up in being an asshole, and I suspect no glance from a stranger, no matter how kind, would have helped him much.

So I simply thought about him. In the ways I just shared with you all. And I managed to fill myself with compassion. Which I believe has an impact on the people around us. Sometimes this is the best we can do.

But, if I knew this Bubble Head, I could have tried different things. Like joining with him:

“Gosh! That must have been a shock to have that guy whiz by you! It certainly caught me off guard.”

Or

“I don’t know about you, but I’m always finding myself in the wrong lane on this track.”

Or making a guess about his obliviousness:

“You seemed lost in thought when that biker whizzed by. Rather a rude awakening, I bet!”

Note that, when you’re interacting with an asshole, your job is not to justify the assholic behavior. (Like saying, “What an asshole that biker was!”) When an Oblivious Asshole faces reality, our job is to represent and reinforce that reality, not assholism. This can be hard to do, but, if you want to make the world a better place, it is the work.

It sure would be interesting to hear how our Bubble Headed Oblivious Asshole might have responded to such comments.