The asshole doctor is in!
In which I answer a curious reader's questions and make another request
I want to thank the Boy from Savoy for his thoughtful questions after last week’s post. Without further ado, here are my answers:
For garden-variety assholes, is it a choice or a habit?
First of all, thank you for using the word “garden,” Boy from Savoy! As you may know, it is a crucial concept in the battle against assholism. If all assholes would just Get in Their Effin’ Gardens from the get-go, we wouldn’t be having this problem (or conversation).
Back to the question: Neither. Being an asshole, in my view, is neither a choice nor a habit. It is a necessity, an automatic psychic reflex to a particular unexpected moment, a protective behavior learned long ago when actual survival was at stake. I see assholic behavior as being regressive, a return to a Younger Me when tantrums, for example, worked.
But here’s the kicker: Becoming an asshole in the moment is not a choice or a habit, but not becoming an asshole in the moment is. I hope that makes sense!
Is the concept of “asshole” subjective? Culturally based? Are there objective criteria to define the state of being an asshole?
My answer is “yes” to the first question and no to the last two. In my view, the concept or experience of assholism is subjective. Someone who puffs up as a know-it-all might really get your goat, while the same person, same behavior, might barely register on me. And there might be particular times when that puffed-up person especially gets your goat and others when you can shrug that person off with a mere twinge of irritation. I think assholism is situation-dependent.
Are assholes a necessary consequence of an organized society? If so, should it be looked at as a health condition and be medicalized? How do you treat the condition of “being an asshole”?
Oh my god these are excellent questions! And all totally different! But, as you might imagine, I have strong feelings about each. Which I will not bore you with here. Instead, quick answers:
Yes, I would say assholes are a necessary consequence of society. I don’t think it needs to be organized. All it needs is two or more people interacting with, impinging on, and occasionally thwarting each other. (See The Last Man on Earth.)
I would never ever encourage a mental health condition to be medicalized. I’m not a medical doctor, of course, but I am a doctor of education (which is utterly irrelevant here) and believe that afflictions that arise from human relationships should first be addressed through human relationships.
How to treat the condition of “being an asshole” is the topic of my book. If you want to get the answer to that question, first hope and pray that I get it published. Then, if I do get it published, read it.
Are there incurables?
Yes. People who don’t want to change.
What are the benefits/consequences of being an asshole? Are these culturally determined?
The benefits are psychic relief. If assholism erupts out of overwhelming internal pressure (and I believe it does), then being an asshole distracts everyone, including the asshole, from that pressure. And, in some cases, makes them feel powerful, indomitable, invulnerable, etc. All good feelings for someone whose behavior hides the exact opposite feelings.
The consequences are alienation from other people. Ideally.
I would say that one cultural element that is facilitating our Era of Assholes is conflict-avoidance. To the extent that conflict-avoidance is a vast cultural epidemic — and it is — then the benefits and consequences of being an asshole are culturally determined. That is, our culture is letting assholes get away with literally murder.
What’s the least asshole-ish society?
Umm. Finland?
Thank you again, The Boy from Savoy! Other readers: Keep those questions coming! And please weigh in on my answers to these juicy questions!
And now for my request:
I’m working on a new chapter of my book. Controlling Assholes. People who don’t want you to do anything other than what they want you to do. Think of them as Control Freaks? But not Freaks who exert control over themselves. They’re not necessarily assholes. I’m looking for stories of people who diabolically insist on controlling others.
Got any stories? Send ‘em in!