Valentine's Day Advent: Day 2
In which I share a skill that can help you Stay in Your Garden -- and do so much more!
First, an apology: Yesterday’s advent calendar door did not open! I am so sorry! Here is the post you should have gotten behind Door #1.
And now: This second skill isn’t very sexy, but it’s incredibly useful. It is the skill that follows on Getting in Your Garden. Once you’re in there, this is what you gotta be able to do.
(And reminder: This is the second of three free Advent Calendar posts. Become a paid subscriber to move seamlessly into the fourth post and beyond, all of which will be paywalled.)
Open the door
(Click on the image below OR click here)
I hope you’re thinking, “Hey, Betsy, self-awareness involves much more than just noticing internal sensations.” Because you’d be o so right! Interoceptive awareness is just a start. What you make of what you notice is super important. That is, learning about yourself, about your particular, peculiar, precious organism, is the goal.
So yes: Notice your pain. Notice your emotions. And notice your thoughts. Your beliefs. Notice the nasty voice(s) in your head that cut you down or push you to do things (like restrict your eating or question your right to exist) that your best friend would tell you aren’t true or aren’t good for you. (I say your best friend because often nasty voices are so persuasive they’re difficult for you to have any perspective on.) Notice your unwillingness to be alone with yourself, your fear of feelings, your terror at the possibility of being retraumatized, your distrust of yourself.
All of this noticing exposes the various plots in your Garden. The spots that are barren. The dangerous spots. The spots you can’t even penetrate because they’re shrouded in darkness. The places where monsters lurk.
And this noticing suggests where you need to focus your beautification efforts, quite possibly with a good therapist.
You know? I could just as easily have called this second skill Noticing.
Practice
The very best way to practice Self-Awareness is mindfulness meditation. Sitting with your thoughts, centering yourself in your body, having the courage to follow negative self-beliefs down to the emotional bedrock so you can get to know their origins — and smash them to smithereens.
Yoga will do, too.
Because Self-Awareness is all about noticing your body and everything that goes on inside it, the practice for this skill is all body all the time.
work meditation into your daily routine
do regular body scans — set a timer and, when it goes off, turn your attention inward and label what you’re feeling
label as much as you can, since capturing big, inchoate, overpowering feelings in words makes the feelings much easier to manage and work with
do gentle exercise like stretching and yoga — especially if you have trauma to work through
breathe — especially in difficult situations
work with a therapist on negative self-beliefs — “I’m stupid”; “I’m unlovable”; “Everything I touch gets ruined” — so you can root them out and make your Garden safer and more hospitable to you
work with a therapist on the unbearable feelings and thoughts that come up when you try any of these practices (again, trauma can make your Garden seem uninhabitable)
notice any resistance you’re feeling to these ideas and wonder about it
In general, just notice. Everything.
That should keep you busy for a bit.
Of course, your partner can afford to notice, too.
If you want to hear a podcast episode about someone who made remarkable use of her self-awareness, go here.
And, as usual, you can upgrade to paid right now for the cost of less than half of a Botanical Bar & Tablet from Tavernier Chocolates for a month and much less than the cost of the Couple Bon Bon Collection for the year. Thank you for considering it!