Welcome to the TTE Valentine’s Day Advent Calendar! The calendar that counts down to the most romantic day of the year by giving you solid skills to practice to make your romantic (and other) relationships the best they can be!
So here’s how your Valentine’s Weekday Advent Calendar works:
I’ve chosen a series of skills I know are important for healthy relationships. Much healthier than chocolates. How do I know? I’m a therapist, psycho-coach, and relationship warrior and have seen my clients — and myself — use these skills to great effect over and over again.
And, while I like chocolates, they don’t really contribute to my good health at all. Sadly.
Every weekday until Valentine’s Day, I’m going to publish a post about one of these skills (and maybe the occasional concept). I’ll give some initial context and then provide a little door flap you can open — by clicking on it — to find a gem from the TTE archives that explains the skill or concept. I’ll end with a suggestion or two — or fourteen — on how to practice the skill on your own.
Note that the first three Advent doors are free to everybody. Starting on the fourth day, though, you’ll have to become a paid subscriber to access the rest of the Advent doors.
So. Let’s get started!
This first skill is a favorite of the people I work with. They use it all the time.
Open the door
(Click on the image below OR click here)
This skill is all about boundaries. The line or wall between you and someone else that demarcates your reality from theirs and allows different realities to co-exist without threat.
But it’s also about you. Your psyche, your internal space, your safety with and trust in yourself. It’s not enough just to Get in Your Garden. You have to be able to stay there. Which means you have to know (and like) yourself, recognize your self-defeating reactions, kill off your self-critical voices, know how to find comfort and strength in your own company. You gotta tend your Garden so it’s easy, even welcoming, to inhabit.
Crucial, crucial, crucial skill.
Practice
The basic practice of Getting in Your Garden is resisting the urge to jump into someone else’s.
by jumping into a conversation or argument through interrupting
by jumping into problem-solving mode for someone else’s problem
by jumping into a vacuum and doing the work someone else has failed to do
by jumping to conclusions about what is happening right now
by jumping into defensive mode
by jumping into reactive mode
by jumping into the fray and going on the attack
How do you practice this skill?
Try it in a simple situation. You’re having a friendly conversation with someone. When you feel the urge to speak, try not speaking. Let them talk a little longer. Or allow silence to fall. (This can be so hard for so many people! But damn: Silence can be incredibly generative. People say things to fill silence that can be quite interesting!)
Or next time someone has a problem, actively resist solving it. Instead, say something like “That sounds tough. What are you willing to do about it?”
If you need a more customized practice suggestion, leave a comment. I’ll come up with something for you.
Getting in Your Garden can be hard enough. Staying in it can be even more difficult. But, like all relationship skills, it is crucial. Staying in your Garden means feeling safe there. Which means knowing and trusting thyself. And being able to regulate yourself. All of which comes with the second skill of relationships, which I’ll unveil tomorrow.
In the meantime, you might want to provide yourself — and others — with a bold reminder of the valuable relationship skill you’re developing.
And you might want to listen to a podcast episode about how Getting in Your Garden can transform a relationship — here.
You might also want to upgrade your subscription to paid (if you’re not already a paid subscriber). You can subscribe for a month for 1/5 of the cost of a 9-piece box of chocolates at Chocolate Springs. A year’s subscription costs the same as a 20-piece box of dark chocolates. Just sayin’.
And pssst….Share this post with your Valentine.