Getting Care

I recently read a book called Entitled: How Male Privilege Hurts Women by Kate Manne.

Pretty amazing book.

I recommend it, especially for men.

Manne writes a bit about women and caring.

Which I’m thinking about these days because (1) teaching is a feminized and, in my humble opinion, caring profession (making it part of our country’s infrastructure); (2) so many women teachers are caring for their students and their families during the pandemic; and (3) if what I’m reading is true, and lots of teachers are overrun with anxiety, those teachers need care right now.

But.

When it comes to getting care, women are too often behind the eight ball.

For example: When it comes to medical care (writes Manne on p. 89 of her book),

women are regarded as more than entitled (indeed obligated) to provide care, but far less entitled to ask for and receive it.

In a feminized profession such as teaching, why would the expectations of women teachers — or teachers generally — be any different?

More (from p. 90 of Manne’s book):

[A]n exception will tend to arise when a woman clearly needs care for the sake of others, and for sanctioned instrumental reasons — for example, to help her be a better caregiver to those who are regarded as mattering more deeply.

Like, say, students.

So how do we caregivers reinforce these assumptions? How do we resist them?

A couple stories.

First story: When my son was born, he had eczema. Our pediatrician suggested I cut out all dairy products from my diet, including a whole slew of ingredients manufacturers slip into their processed foods. I diligently looked at ingredients lists and drank black coffee and ate rice crackers (which are super delicious in any case) for as long as I breast-fed our son. He does not have eczema any more.

And,

bonus:

I could tell this was a very healthy diet for me.

But did I continue to cut out dairy from my diet? Hell no!

I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my children safe and healthy. But me? Not so much. At least, there are limits.

Second story: Many years ago, when I was a novice therapist, my own therapist said to me, “Exercise — self-care — must be part of your daily job. It’s as important as any other appointment you make.”

Which means this: If I devote an hour every day to exercise, that is an hour I cannot devote to anyone else. I can’t do it all. I must prioritize. I must live peacefully with my choices.

What about teachers?

What about you?

What are you willing to do for your students that you’re not willing to do for yourself? What are you doing for your students that is bad for you — your health, your well-being, your peace of mind? What are you not doing for yourself that is good for you?

Mantra: Buck the trend. Get care. From yourself. From others.