Whether and How
When I feel used, I tend to feel
angry.
Which is a good thing. Because anger is a super-effective alarm. It is such a strong emotion that I can’t ignore it.
And so I wonder about it.
Usually anger alerts me to a boundary violation. An attempt by another person to take from me what I may not be willing to give. To use me.
Which means I need to consider whether and how.
Which in turn means I’d best retreat into my garden and look around. It doesn’t mean I necessarily hole up in my garden, just that
I need to get clear-eyed and clear-headed about my own reality and others’ realities.
From my garden I can consider whether I want to be used at all. Do I want to listen to this person talk endlessly about themselves right now? Yeah, OK. Do I want to be blamed for this person’s mistake? No. Do I want to accept this student’s late work? Yes. Do I want to stay in relationship with a narcissist? Yes.
Once I have decided whether to be used, I decide how to execute my decision.
I’ll find interest in this needy, talkative person but give myself silent permission to bring the conversation to a close when I can no longer maintain a caring or curious stance.
I’ll calmly and gracefully reject the blame. “I can tell you’re upset about this. It really sucks to have misread an assignment. What do you want to do now?”
I’ll accept the late work and impose agreed-upon consequences. If there are no agreed-upon consequences, I’ll discuss with my class what we’ll do about late work from now on.
I’ll activate my compassion for my narcissistic friend and know my limits: that I will not be abused by narcissistic rage. That I will honor my own boundaries and speak my truth despite the inevitability of vicious retaliation, knowing the punishment has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the narcissist’s unbearable pain. That I will reserve the right to walk away for now or end the relationship for good. That I will not try to change the narcissist but rather will attempt to love and respect them by acknowledging how hard it is sometimes to be them. That I will refuse to conform to their reality, which ultimately isolates them, but instead will try to co-create a shared reality that is safe for both of us. Until all this is no longer possible.
The how is not pre-programmable. What matters, I believe, is
making the decisions.
Over and over again. That is, revisiting whether you will consent to be used and, if yes, redesigning the how to fit the circumstances.