Reality Sucks
That’s why denial exists. We wouldn’t need to deny reality if reality didn’t suck.
Denial as a defense
works wonders.
It shuts down the emotions that facing reality would bring up in us. When those emotions would be overwhelming, when they would flood and paralyze us, not feeling them can be pretty darned adaptive.
Here are some other defenses against realities-that-suck:
controlling: gaining a sense of power by filling voids and overstepping boundaries
blaming: offloading anxiety by making the problem everybody’s but yours
projecting: giving others your emotions through your anxiety-producing behaviors
regressing: becoming a child again and treating others as if they were your parents
Far be it from me to denigrate defenses. They do the job.
But hell. I’ll do it anyway.
Defenses suck, too.
They suck because they distract you from the work that will never go away: developing the capacity to manage your emotions in ways that do no harm. To you or to others.
If you are an administrator who is pretending your teachers are safe when your teachers are telling you they do not feel safe, you are avoiding reality.
If you are a parent who is attacking the decider at your child’s school for making a decision that frightens or inconveniences you, you are avoiding reality.
If you are a teacher or staff member who gossips and complains instead of stepping up and helping out, you are avoiding reality.
That is, you are acting on your own
partial reality
and using your defense to foist your
limited perspective
on somebody — or everybody — else.
Wanna improve your reality? Work with someone else. Share your perspective. Get theirs. (I mean really listen to it. No lip service allowed.) Collaborate to co-create a new reality that works better for both of you. It takes work, but it is work in service of reality. And, frankly, if done well, it is work that is instantly relieving.
Truth? Avoiding reality was a pandemic long before COVID hit. (And this just in: Being an optimist or being a pessimist leads to worse mental well-being results than being a realist.)
Mantra: Reality sucks. Who can help me survive it? What perspectives do I need? What can I do to contain myself and help rather than harm?