Good guesses lead to good experiments.
In which I consider the third step in understanding relationships
So we move from being gold miners — and rabbits — to social scientists.
Because good guesses are good hypotheses. Experiments are what one can do to test a good relational hypothesis. (Which is what I think social scientists do.)
So how do you turn a good guess into an experiment?
You answer this question:
“What are you willing to do about it?”
Allow me to break this question down.
Starting at the end. With “it.” Which is, of course, your good guess.
Is “it” an expectation of the world you or someone else has that you want to test out? Is “it” a relational pattern you’ve noted? Is “it” a need you’re guessing someone else has? Is “it” a negative self-belief — in you or in someone else — that must be contradicted?
Be sure you know what (you think, cuz, you know, it’s a guess) “it” is.
Next: The word “do.”
When it comes to experiments, there are two basic things you can do:
1) something
2) nothing
If you do something, you have at least two options:
1) You can talk.
2) You can act.
Talking is, I think, the default option. When I’m in a quandary with someone else and I’ve figured out my guess about that quandary, I’m inclined to go have a talk about it. My talk generally follows this pattern:
I describe what happened as fairly as possible. (Note this description is a sharing of my perception, which is biased from the get-go.)
I describe the impact that event had on me: What I felt, how I interpreted it. Depending on what “it” is, this is where I own my own shit. Cuz my feelings and my interpretations are mine, not yours. Or this is where I share my guess about you. With love and acceptance. Usually in a statement, not a question. (The statement could begin with something like “It seems to me that” or “My guess is that” or “Correct me where I’m wrong.” Be transparent.) My experience with statements vs. questions is that answering a question can feel obligatory whereas responding to a statement can feel visceral and voluntary. The latter response can yield the most useful data. Which I can then learn from.
I listen. Carefully. Actively. Openly. Knowing that what the other person feels or believes or says is theirs, not mine, and is teaching me.
I aim to understand myself, the other person, and the ways we fit together for better and for worse.
I work out, with the other person, a plan for going forward if that feels appropriate.
Sometimes talking, being direct, is too scary. Or you know it just won’t work for you — because you’re just too pissed off, for example — or for the other person — because they don’t trust you or are unreflective or are just shut down. When you can’t imagine talking, try acting.
I don’t mean performing, though I suppose performing is a viable option. Here’s what I do mean:
Try fitting differently with the other person.
Do something different. If the other person expects you to do A, do G instead. As long as G aligns with your good guess about this person or the interaction you had with them. What do they need? If it’s G, give it to them.
See what happens.
So doing something means (1) talking or (2) acting. And (3) gathering more data based on your experiment. Cuz your guess might have been dead wrong. Or off a tiny bit. Or, of course, spot on. But you won’t know if you don’t gather the data.
Now for doing nothing, which is one of my favorite things in the world.
Doing nothing means aligning yourself, caring for yourself, finding relief and understanding — and bringing that right mind and calm body into your next interaction with your relational partner.
That’s it.
It is amazing how powerful this internal shift can be. Not just for you (it feels a whole lot better than being mad or scared or defensive) but for the other person, who picks up on your non-combative energy and fits with it. Automatically. Unconsciously.
Fitting differently with someone (whether by doing something or nothing) amounts to having a different relationship with them. Even if only slightly different. These differences over time, repeated experiences of alignment and care, lead to beneficial relational change.
Fun fact: I studied classical Chinese in college. Many many years ago. That meant I read ancient Chinese philosophers in the original. (Yes, it was awesome!)
One of the concepts I encountered in my studies was the Taoist notion of wuwei. Translation? You got it: doing nothing.
All this to say, if you choose to do nothing in response to a difficult interaction — as long as you do your part — you’ll be joining the Taoist sages. And that’s not nuthin’.
Last word I’m going to talk about: “willing.”
This is related to “doing.” That is, what can you imagine yourself doing? I (Betsy) might feel perfectly comfortable talking to someone who pissed me off. But that move might send you into full-fledged panic. This is why I love the idea of experimenting. What will you try? It doesn’t have to be huge. It doesn’t even have to be big. It can just be something. Or nothing. Just as long as it is based on your good guess, which is based on the data. Which makes your experiment most likely to pan out in positive ways. Which makes everyone that much more better.