What Comes Naturally
I have some bad news.
It is this: What comes naturally to us during moments of relational stress is possibly — even probably —
one of the worst things we can do.
So:
When that student tells us for the umpteenth time that he forgot his homework? And we’re frustrated? Sarcasm is probably not the best response.
Or when a colleague or administrator observes one of our classes and suggests we could have done a better job? Defensiveness is probably not the best response.
Or when a parent is thoughtless and offensive, treating us like a nanny rather than a professional? Outrage is probably not the best response.
Or when that field trip won’t happen unless you cancel all your prior plans and agree to chaperone? Filling the void is probably not the best response.
Or when someone accuses us of being racist or biased in some way? Collapsing is probably not the best response.
The reason what comes naturally is probably not the best response under conditions of stress is because what comes naturally is a fight or flight reaction. The ways we handle relational stress have been “hard-wired” in us over time precisely because we have enacted what comes naturally over and over again. What comes naturally, therefore, is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Worse, we tend to justify what comes naturally because we can’t imagine another way. We get all self-righteous as we hunker down into our perceptual bunkers and blame everybody else for doing us wrong.
What’s better than what comes naturally?
What comes unnaturally.
Stilling ourselves. Breathing. Listening. Describing. Being curious. Making the flip. Looking for the emotional bedrock.
Basically, doing emotion work. That is, turning our emotions — the ones that come naturally — into super useful data that fuel different and far more effective relational moves.
Here’s the good news: Over time, emotion work becomes automatic. And that’s when doing what comes naturally is